Topic: Housekeeping
We're outta here for the holidays. Well, at least until Tuesday, December 27, when we step out of the bathtub, turn on the lights and wear something other than a robe all day. The egg will be nogged and our lungs will be blackened with the constant inhalation of the Christmas spirit. Or American Spirits. It depends on how much we spend on booze.
So remember the holiday schedule and you'll be fine. December 23 is Festivus, December 25 Christmas of course. And that's pretty much all that matters. And remember, if your holidays are going badly, they could always use more racism.
Posted by James
at 11:09 AM CST
Seriously, we don't call him Pope Joey Rat exclusively because of his name. Ew.
The strike is over! New Yawk transit workers will return to work tomorrow after three days of screwing the city over by stranding millions of people at home and giving them a pre-holiday holiday. Over three million dollars in fines have been levied and jail time has been threatened, but it wasn't until Governor George Pataki found his misplaced balls that the union decided it was best to get off their lazy, snoozing asses and get back to work.
With Bill O'reilly and Jon Stewart going head to head in the "War on Christmas" debate, we turn to the legendary Frank Costanza, founder of the greatest holiday of them all: Festivus.
The House of Representatives pulled an all-nighter so that they wouldn't have to stay in Washington too late and could still make it home for the Festivus tradition of the "Airing of the Grievances" with their family and mistresses. The Senate however, just goes ape shit and starts putting their stamp of approval/rejection on everything they can get their grubby little hands on.
It's day two in the TWU/MTA worker's strike. New Yawkahs are PISSED. Judges are threatening jail time. Fines up are up to $2 million and some change now. No wide scale violence has been reported yet, but if cushy restaurant Pershing Square has anything to say about it, it'll happen soon.
You feel ill, so you take a trip to the doctor's office, hoping that your stomach cancer hasn't regressed and become malignant again. If you're a patient of Dr. Totada Shanthaveerappa, you might die, but your corpse is going to fertilize the most beautiful, weed-free roses anyone in the cemetery has ever seen.
A Canadian judge has lifted the ban on swingers clubs, once again allowing its liberal citizens to bang in private venues in large groups until they die of disease and dehydration.
A man in Latvia who was run over and killed by a car in front of his home had 17 times the legal driving limit of alcohol in his system. And twice the lethal amount.
Want to go on strike in a town where the actual law says you can't? Guess what you get? A million dollar fine. Plus, your workers' union also gets hit with a $25k fine.
While many in America believe that calling cocaine "blow" is truly the epitome of cool, we have always preferred to call it "Bolivian marching powder." It appears now that the coca grower turned politician my actually win the Bolivian presidential election. But by a very thin margin.
Out of the blue, the new poll numbers show that despite the recent stumbles for the Bush administration, the President's approval rating has shot up to 47%, from the previous week's low of 39%. While 52% still think he's fucking shit up, the eight point jump in approval is big news for the embattled POTUS, who saw angered reactions over Harriet Miers, Iraq and the economy.
Perhaps a better name for the Greensboro, North Carolina bar "Hemingway's Downtown" would've been "Stupid Concept." The upscale drinkery, where an older crowd pays a membership fee to drink overpriced martinis and smoke cigars, is now being sued by the heirs of celebrated author and booze hound Ernest Hemingway's over the name of their bar, which the owner said was monikered such because of a dog he had a younger age.
Congratulations to the GOP Congress. Mere days after being called "the most corrupt Congress in our history" by Democratic douchebag and Senate minority leader Harry Reid, you did what no one expected: you proved him right.
Poor Wellington, New Zealand. A riot of 40 Santas, all drunk off their jolly asses, acted as a scourge of god Sunday in Wellington, punching security guards, throwing beer bottles and stealing from stores. The group, which was comprised of both men and women, terrorized the town, probably in a salute to hero Billy Bob Thornton, who showed the world the kind of drunken lout Santa really is in the holiday film Bad Santa.
Robert Novak, that glorious vaginal hair who outed Valerie Plame before shrugging his shoulders as if saying "feh," who most recently walked off of a CNN set and was thusly suspended, has just announced that after his contract is up with the 24 hours news station, he will in fact take his circus act of douchery to FOX NEWS.
Perhaps on the news today that President Bush allowed the National Security Agency to monitor the phone calls and e-mails of thousands of foreigners living in America, the Patriot Act reauthorization was slammed down by the Senate only a day after its drunken brother, the House of Representatives, overwhelmingly approved its provisions.
Howard Stern, the self-proclaimed "King of All Media," (dream on, egomaniac - ed.) bid farewell to Earth-bound radio today with his final broadcast for Infinity, who has played home to show for way too long.
Are you single, rich, full of yourself and living in Chicago? Then Pete Gugni, a former jeweler who currently manages the trendy (i.e. full of tools - ed.) Reserve club, has got the perfect drink for you: the Ruby Red, a combination of orange vodka, cognac, pomegranate liqueur, champagne, orange juice, and a one carat ruby.