Topic: Weird Shit
Police in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, have decided that you no longer possess the right to shoot your own property. While drunk. With an illegal weapon.
Keith Walendowski (hooray, he's Polish! - ed.) was arrested on charges of felony possession of a saw-offed shotgun and misdemeanor disorderly conduct after a woman staying in his house alerted the authorities that a drunk Walendowskiskiskiski brandished a shotgun and sent to hell his non-starting Lawn Boy mower. With the charges he faces, Walenskiskiskiskiskiski could face up to an $11,000 fine, plus a possible three months in prison.
Walskiskiskiskiskiski's defense? "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want."
Damn right! If you lived in Texas, that is. But not Wisconsin.
This brings up the valid point of when will people with guns realize that they're better off living in Texas? Ah, Texas, where you're allowed to shoot whatever it is the hell you want anytime you damn well please. Just as long as your gun is legal. Or in your yard at the time you're shooting whatever it is has raised your ire.
Hell, we're about to go blow away a hackberry tree growing behind our house with a .357 magnum just because it blocks the view from our bathroom window to the hot neighbor's bedroom. We mean, it's screwing up our house's foundation. Yeah, that's it...
A woman who just could not seem to get her head out of winning the ability to pay her phone bill at the Resorts Atlantic City casino plopped a baby out on the floor beneath her stool, never breaking her stride on the penny slots. The woman reportedly told paramedics and onlookers that she thought the labor pains were just bad gas. Fucking eww.
A Pittsburgh man proved that humans are capable of anything in the name of pleasure, as he was arrested recently after being found naked on top of a tree stump, pleasuring himself in the cold morning air. But the story gets weirder.
A three-foot-tall Dennis the Menace statue worth approximately $30,000 was stolen by unknown suspects from its Montgomery, California, home on Wednesday or Thursday last week. Police currently have no idea who could have walked off with the 125-lb. bronze sculpture, but are offering a $5,000 reward for information leading to its return.
Seven funeral directors from outside of New York City and Rochester, New York, have pleaded guilty in a secret hearing on multiple counts from their admittal to having stolen multiple organs from recently deceased people and selling them to organ remittance services for a hefty profit.
The Chinese Ethnic Minority Games came to a screeching halt after a group of cross-dressing transexuals kicked off mob violence throughout the games, which were meant to celebrate the athleticism of China's 55 different minority groups. After noticing that the winning team in something called the "dragon-boat race" were composed of overly large women with adam's apples as large as their testicles, minority groups from around the country quickly turned the games into a scene of mob violence, proving that America is not the only country that hates cross-dressers.
Columbian musical instrument manufacturer Luis Alberto Paredes has begun a brand new and totally kickass program in which he is using former guerilla AK-47s to create a new series of rosewood electric guitars. Paredes said that every single musical axe will be made from a once-used fully automatic rifle.
When next year's Malaysian astronaut attempts not to explode in outer space in a Russian-made rocket, he will also attempt something even more dangerous: making boiling hot tea inside the multi-million dollar tube full of wiring and things that explode.
Are you a horny Australian man whom has just spent way too much money filling up your Ute or similar vehicle? Well then take your receipt to either The Site of Madame Kerry's brothel for a 20 percent discount on their wide (no pun intended - ed.) selection of prime chippy.
An Indian man with a very rare case of diphallus, or having two wangs, has decided that he is going to have one of them removed so that he can get married and "live a normal life," or some crap like that.
More evidence was laid in stone recently proving that women with breast implants will live longer. An Israeli woman who was near the explosion of a Lebanese rocket was saved when the shrapnel from the blast penetrated her chest, but instead of destroying her organs, were caught in the sweet buttery goodness of her huge honkin' implants.
Three Mexican fisherman who were thought to be dead have been found by a Taiwanese fishing crew more than eleven months after they vanished. They were picked up over 5,000 miles away from their home city of San Blas.
Researchers from the University of Nebraska Medical Center in Omaha have discovered a link between hot dog consumption and altered DNA in people, which could lead to a strange form of cancer. Specifically, colon cancer, which we kind of expected, since everytime we've eaten more than one hot dog, our colon has felt like a train was smashing through it.
A group of ten horny manatees entertained a large group of spectators in Longboat Key, Florida, after chasing a female into shallow water and duking it out for her affection, proving once again just how similar manatees are to drunken guys in a bar.
That title is not entirely true, but we did not want to ruin the kicker of one of the funniest stories we have ever heard.
A 15-year-old girl in New Jersey slammed into her mother with the family car during a driving lesson while she was attempting to learn how to parallel park, causing massive internal injuries and pinning her under the Suburban. She later died on the scene after being trapped beneath the massive SUV for hours.
When we moved into our latest apartment three years ago, the complex tried to start our stay here on an epic level, by loading up our fridge with a quart of milk, a frozen pizza, and two slices of bread. A woman in Germany who moved into her new apartment found an equally packed refrigerator, except she had better unpack her pots and pans, because she received a dead, frozen canine in her freezer.
Internet gambling site BetUS.com has begun to take bets on whether Cuban dictator Fidel Castro will die from complications fromthe surgery he underwent earlier this week. Over 3,000 bets have been placed, with the stakes depending on whether the dictator will die in September or October.
The Irish have always had the ability to shock and astound us with the measures of insane thinking that they have always reached. When Paddy Power (seriously, that's the guys goddamn name, not an Irish joke - ed.) was thinking of possible April Fools Day jokes, he thought of creating a fake tournament to get people excited and then simultaneously crush their spirits.
A kamikaze raccoon, angry at humans for putting lids on their trashcans and running over his brethern, decided to strike back on his Florida neighbors, as he chewed through a power cord and took out the electricity to nearly 3,000 residents in the Kissimmee area.