Katie Couric's Legs to Anchor CBS News?
Topic: Media
Is Katie Couric bringing her ever present legs to the CBS Evening News? Yes, says TV Week, and for a substantial sum. Her new $61 million contract (or something like that, we don't know or care because we're jealous - ed.) would end her 15 year run with the number one morning talk show in the country, meaning that she would be turning her back on her loyal network and moving to The Dan Rather Chair. You can find more at the link below. Excuse us, but we have to find every television possible and delete CBS from the directory, since we'll never be watching that channel again.

DRUDGE REPORT

Sick Potheads Steal Jerry Garcia's Toilet
Topic: Weird Shit

The Topic listing is a little over the top, we know, but over the weekend, a group of apparently deranged stoners stole the late Grateful Dead guitarist's salmon-colored toilet, as well as three other commodes and a bidet, from a driveway where a home was being remodeled. No word yet on whether the "throne" will be used as a "shrine" or will appear in the private bathroom of some cheap bastard looking for bathroom fixtures.

Goldenpalace.com recently paid $2,550 for the toilet from a private buyer and are offering a $250 reward for the return of the john, proving that they could honestly not give a shit, pardon the pun.


MSN MUSIC

P.S. - Don't pardon the pun. We totally meant to do that.

We're Back! And Continental Airlines SUCKS
Topic: Housekeeping

After a semi-enjoyable work trip to West Palm Beach, Fla., we've returned to Texas where we soon realized it was hotter than two rats humping in a wool sock as soon as we stepped outside of the terminal. The following story is in regard to why Continental is the worst airline we have ever traveled on. A time line is included to show why our anger level rose so high.

2:00AM EST: We arrive back in the Hampton Inn in Wellington, Fla., which is an incredibly nice establishment. Brand new, lots of horse paintings, and the world's weirdest statue garden outside of the window that made it appear that the hotel was being attacked by giant ants and headless dogs that have been speared by twelve foot poles. Then the time changes to 3:00AM. Goddamn daylight savings time.

3:30AM EST: After packing and down two beers, we fall sleep.

4:30AM EST: The bastard alarm wakes us up and we groggily get up, down a bottle of water and head downstairs, leaving our toiletries in the bathroom because of our one hour of sleep.

5:30AM EST: After dropping off the rental car, we load on the bus and head to the terminal.

6:30AM EST: The plane loads on time and everything is set to go. Airport security wasn't bad and there was an entire team of hot college chicks on the flight sitting around us who complimented us on our Chuck Taylors. Not a bad start to a trip.

8:32AM CST: We arrive in Houston and bust ass across the airport because our connecting flight on Continental Express leaves at 9:15AM.

Here's where things go shitwire.

8:45AM CST: The airline says there is a mechanical problem and they need thirty minutes to fix it, pushing back our departure time. We say okay and go find some yogurt.

9:15AM CST: The airline says they need thirty more minutes. Perturbed, but fine with that, we sit down.

9:45AM CST: Our flight changes gates. We take off before they decide to leave without us.

10:15AM CST: It didn't really change gates. They screwed up. The bald fatty at the original gate responds to our inquiry about the status of our flight with the following response: "It's ready when it's ready." We get pissed at the rudeness.

10:30AM CST: They announce another 30 minute delay because they don't have a part to fix... the wing. By the way, this is when we were supposed to originally land in Dallas. Bitches.

10:35AM CST: We head to the ticket counter to see if we can switch to a different flight, since two more flights for Dallas have already taken off. These flights were supposed to have departed after ours. The woman behind the ticket counter rudely tells us that if we want to get to Dallas faster, we should rent a car. We spit our some four letter words in a rather obnoxious tone and storm off to vent to our mother.

11:00AM CST: The airline announces that we'll be boarding soon. Rather than keeping four other flights an extra fifteen minutes, they make us wait for 30 more and load them first. Our anger grows.

11:30AM CST: We board the plane next to a nice young woman who's boyfriend has just departed for Iraq. She has the cutest son in the world who we tickle throughout the flight. Her kid loves us. The flight is delayed in departure by twenty minutes because they have a mechanical problem on the new plane.

12:30PM CST: Homeland security tells our pilot that our plane was too high in the air during descent and we have to circle for fifteen minutes while they get new clearance. Bitches.

12:45PM CST: We land, pick up our bags, and realize that our lighter has no fluid. No on-the-way-home smoke for us. It's approximately 100 degrees in the parking garage. We also pay $112 to get our car out of the airport. Bitches.

1:15PM CST: We get home, three hours later than we were supposed to have because Continental Airlines has the rudest, most incompetent employees on the face of the Earth.

This airline sucks. Not only did they not even come close to getting our flight in on time, but they didn't care, were very impatient and rude with us, and then made jokes about it in flight. Fuck Continental Express. It is now our life's work to take away every single one of their customers that we possibly can.

But we're home now and about to go to sleep, with visions of an angry bitch-slapping of every Continental employee dancing through our heads.

CLIFF NOTES VERSION: Continental Airlines royally screwed our flight home. They should change their name to Fuckstick Airlines. We've had one hour of sleep in 48 hours and are going to bed. Good night, and see you tomorrow afternoon.

We're Off to the Land of Old People and Baseball-sized Mosquitos
Topic: Housekeeping

Good morning dear children. We have a confession to make: this is not our only job. No, in fact, we're leaving tomorrow morning at 3:30 a.m. to travel to the land of old people and limited Internet access known as Florida, where we will be working 18 hour days in the hope that we continue to receive a paycheck.

Be back next Monday. Until then, please visit our fine links to the left for all of your information and entertainment needs, and we'll see you next Monday.

Political Pickpocketing Continues! John Edwards Joins the Fray
Topic: Politics

As we reported last week, Hillary Rodham Horse-humping Clinton was attempting to squeeze money out of us for her upcoming reelection campaign, i.e. her "me for pres" push. And now, another former Presidential candidate who tried to get by on good looks and NO experience is at it again, sending us emails begging for money that is desperately needed to stop the demon that is President Bush, even though this "son of a mill worker" is anything but poor and has WAY more money than we could ever spend on strippers. The completely odd thing is that instead of using his own image, he used a picture of balding Senator Ron Wyden.

If we thought that Edwards would make a good leader (or were women - ed.), we would donate the $75,000 that he needs to "stop George W. Bush." Wait a second. $75,000 is all it takes to stop George W. Bush? What're they doing, hiring a drunken hitman?


DSCC.ORG

New Iraqi Intelligence Document Confirms Russian Involvement with Saddam Pre-War? Hello New Cold War
Topic: World News

A new series of intelligence documents out of Iraq shows a bunch of scary shit, including Russian officials informing Saddam Hussein about U.S. troop movement and strength before Operation Iraqi Freedom and linking Osama Bin Laden and the Taliban directly to Saddam Hussein. Oh yeah, and it also offers proof that Saddam and OBL had in fact been conspiring to attack targets inside the United States. We're going to let the documents speak for themselves below.

An Iraqi intelligence service document saying that their Afghan informant, who's only identified by a number, told them that the Afghan consul Ahmed Dahastani claimed the following in front of him:

That OBL and the Taliban are in contact with Iraq and that a group of Taliban and bin Laden group members visited Iraq
That the U.S. has proof the Iraqi government and "bin Laden's group" agreed to cooperate to attack targets inside America.
That in case the Taliban and bin Laden's group turn out to be involved in "these destructive operations," the U.S. may strike Iraq and Afghanistan.
That the Afghan consul heard about the issue of Iraq's relationship with "bin Laden's group" while he was in Iran.

And here are the Russians:

The first document (CMPC-2003-001950) is a handwritten account of a meeting with the Russian ambassador that details his description of the composition, size, location and type of U.S. military forces arrayed in the Gulf and Jordan. The document includes the exact numbers of tanks, armored vehicles, different types of aircraft, missiles, helicopters, aircraft carriers, and other forces, and also includes their exact locations. The ambassador also described the positions of two Special Forces units.

There's a lot of other stuff in there too, like documents about al Qaeda coming to Iraq, the Russians giving more secrets, and a series of meetings between OBL and Saddam over the past ten years. Oops. Hopefully this puts a little more fire under the current Iraqi government to get rid of the insurgents instead of letting their people get bombed.


ABCNEWS

Chinese Cosmetics Firm Finds Disgustingly Effective Way to Test Products on Humans
Topic: World News

Say you had a new type of collagen that you wanted to test on humans, but no one would be willing to allow their lips to be possibly destroyed by your experimental product. What would you do?

Well, if you worked for a Chinese cosmetics firm, you would simply go to your freezer and pull out a set of human lips from an executed prisoner, inject the substance into them, and then see what happens.

GROSS!

An unnamed firm has been using skin cells from dead Chinese prisoners for years without any thoughts to the fact that this is fucking disgusting and ethically bankrupt, but whatever.

“A lot of the research is still carried out in the traditional manner using skin from the executed prisoners and aborted fetus," an agent was quoted as saying. “In China it is considered very normal and I was very shocked that Western countries can make such a big fuss about this," he said.

Dude! You're testing lip glosses on 3/4 of a human baby and you don't see anything wrong with that? Now people, this is the reason we're going to lose any war we start with China. They'd throw children under our tank treads if they thought it would stop us.


WORLD TRIBUNE

The Chef Scandal Continues! Issac Hayes Stabbed in Back by Fellow Scientologist?
Topic: Entertainment

A scandal is brewing about the supposed "quitting" of Issac Hayes from the fantastic show South Park. It has been broken by Page Six and Foxnews.com that Hayes did not quit, and in fact that a fellow Scientologist issued that news release saying that he had.

Hayes has gone on the record as saying that he had a stroke and had been home for three months, but loved South Park and needed the job because of his new wife and baby.

Christina "Kumi" Kimball, the fashion executive who issued the release, hasn't said a damn thing since this has come out, but you can be sure we're all over it, especially after last night's hilarious episode where Hayes' character Chef was ceremoniously killed after being brainwashed by a club of globe-trotting child rapists. Yes, that's right. Globe-trotting child-rapists. South Park rules.


PAGE SIX

NCAA Tourney Action Returns
Topic: Political Cartoons

Sports, technically, but we'll be jaded by the end of it, so here's this from Walt Handelsman of NY Newsday.

Canadian Government Worker Starts Web Site to Earn Donations and Quit Job
Topic: World News

Sometimes Canadians can be really, really stupid. Like, all the time. However, if this works, this is possibly the smartest Canadian ever.

A depressed government official from our Northern neighbor has started a website, saveabureaucrat.com, on which he begs for money (1 million Canadian bucks, to be exact - ed.) so he can quit his job and "do something meaningful." By "do something meaningful," he probably means "move out of Canada," but he could also mean drink away the approximately $860,000US he would receive.

His mission, however, is falling pretty short. So far, only five donations have been made to reach a total of $59.26C. That's like $40US. Hell, we'd take that. Anyone want to make a donation? We have to pay to keep this thing running, and those Google ads at the top don't bring in that much cash.

Come on you cheap bastards! www.saveheartofdarko.com!


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

P.S. - This might be a hoax, since when we type the address in our browser, it sends us to Google. How odd...

You Watch Tonight! South Park Sticks it to Scientologists Again
Topic: Entertainment

Tonight the new season of South Park kicks off with Chef returning and being a little nuts. This stems from Issac Hayes basically walking out on the show for making fun of Scientology, which he is a part of. So watch tonight for absolute hilarity, as the first Scientology show "Tom Cruise Is In the Closet" is absolutely hilarious.

South Park airs tonight on Comedy Central at 9:00PM CST.

Porn Star Not Only Talented at Blowjobs, But Wine-Making Too
Topic: Entertainment

Savanna Samson is talented. Let us tell you that we've watched hours of footage just to determine how talented she really is. Oh shit we didn't mean to say that.

Anyway, Samson, real name... ah who the hell are we kidding, no one cares about their real names, is a porn star, and a damn good one. Winner of two Adult Video News awards, pretty much the porn Oscars, Samson has starred in over two dozen movies with some of the biggest porn actors, including Jenna Jameson and hypermamiferous bombshell Brianna Banks. But now she has turned her love of booze into a new commodity and created a wine that one of the most respected wine critics in the world gave a shocking 90 out of 95.

"There's spiciness -- the Cesanese has the naughty side of me. And yet it's an elegant wine. I love the opera, and I'm a classically trained ballet dancer. And there is some chocolate undertone, which I just love. There's a little bit of sweetness. Like, 10 percent of the time I'm sweet," Samson said.

Glad to hear she still sounds like a big breasted blonde ninny. You go wine girl! May we suggest a title for your own DVD series, i.e. "blah blah Loves Jenna" that could make you a household name? "Blah Blah Crushes Savanna's Grapes."

No? "Crushing Grapes With Savanna?"

Still no? Geez you porn actresses are picky. Can we be the copy boy who is just trying to get the pie chart from under your ass? No? YOU SUCK! We're going back to drinking Boones Farm!


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Dancer Sues Broadway for $100 Million Because of Boob Growth
Topic: National News

Miami dancer Alice Alyse (yes, that's her real name - ed.) who was let go from the Broadway show "Movin' Out" because her breasts had grown too big for her costume has sued for $100 million because of emotional abuse, leading us to believe that this is the largest lawsuit ever regarding a woman's boobs.

"I was thin, I was a size zero, but my breasts had gotten bigger. When I tried on my costumes they fit everywhere except in the breast area."

After an injury forced her to sit out, she "matured" and her breasts grew from a C cup to a D cup, meaning that the costumes no longer kept her ladyhood properly under control. The lawsuit lists charges such as wrongful termination, breach of contract, defamation, sexual harassment and intentional infliction of emotional distress as reasons for the massive amount of damages sought. The reasoning behind the damages is easily explained by Alyse's attorney as actual and compensatory damages and because the show was so lucrative.

Our opinion? Crap case. $100 million because you were fired? The show was not about Alice Alyse and she was not the star, but a co-star. We weren't aware that unknown Broadway performers made millions of dollars, and if you're in show business and have problems with people talking about breasts, you're too sensitive. This is the epitome of a frivolous lawsuit. Good luck, you tart.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Cat Who Fell 80 Feet And Survived Cool, Just Tender
Topic: Weird Shit

Even thought it was widely reported on yesterday, we didn't get a chance to touch on the story of the cat in South Carolina who survived an 80-foot flop out of a tree in her backyard. The entire thing was caught on video, and the good editors at Sploid got the screen grab to the right, which even though is completely awful, is somehow hilarious at the same time.

Piper the cat is doing fine and only has a slight eye infection after being up in the tree for eight days after being scared by probably a ghost or something. But anyway, the video is linked below, and as you can tell, everyone is obviously very worried. Ah, loving cat owners. Nothing like being completely worried about something you can pick up from the corner. Jerks.


WFTV.COM

P.S. - Sploid also had the best headline: "Cat Falls 80 Feet to Freedom!"

Charges Dropped in Hottie 14-Year-Old Humping Teacher Case???
Topic: National News

Debra Lafave, the 25-year-old hot teacher who was so desperate to get a date that she banged her teenage student, has just had extraneous charges against her dropped in a plea bargain that will keep her under house arrest for three years and on probation for seven. Plus, she has to file as a sexual predator (hottest sexual predator we've ever seen - ed.) and will lose her teaching license forever.

The student alleged that Lafave humped him in the classroom, her SUV and her home over a period of a few months. He turned her in because he's an idiot.

This leads us to say this: we're not bad looking and we haven't hit a girl in days. Hot teachers, if you're looking for male attention, don't ride a student. We're available. It's sad to see a 25-year-old blonde chick who won't speak to us in a bar not get to even go out for three years because she played "Where's the Porpoise" with a freshman in high school. Geez girls, come on...


MSNBC

Airlines Can't Do Their Jobs of Moving Stuff and People at the Same Time
Topic: World News

A recent report has shown that airlines across the world are having severe problems doing their jobs and lost an estimated 30 million bags in 2005, with over 200,000 of them just disappearing completely. If they had done their jobs right, they would've saved some $2.5 billion. Nice.

A few extra facts follow:

Average time to have bag found and returned to owner: 31 hours or 1.3 days

Main reason for losing bag: mishandling

Amount of luggage lost due to mistagging: 3 percent

Increase in lost revenue from 2004 to 2005 due to lost luggage: 900 million freakin' dollars

Seriously, this is why we should all still travel by bus. You can't lost luggage when you load it in the compartment below you. Either that or just go back to wooden clipper ships. Hard to lose your luggage in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Arterial Blockage: Heart of Darko Housekeeping
Topic: Housekeeping

We can't imagine what the hell is going on with the site this morning, but whatever it is, trying to get it to load is akin to attempting to push five pounds of sausage through a keyhole. Hopefully we'll have it fixed soon and will be able to post something. If not, we'll be breaking a computer down and shooting a hard drive.

Bear with us, or go fight a bear.

Texas Police Will Arrest You For Thinking About Drinking Next...
Topic: Stupidity

How we did not hear about this, we cannot imagine. Oh yes, we were drunk, but thank god in the Uptown area of Dallas and not the D-town suburb of Irving, Texas. Irving police on Friday, March 17 (St. Patrick's Day, for all you blacker-outers - ed.) decided that if you wanted to go out for some reveling and have a good time partaking in alcoholic beverages, well your little ass is just going straight to jail.

Yes, the Dallas suburb's police department sent out undercover police to bars in search of publicly intoxicated individuals in hope of arresting them and scaring the rest of the partiers into not breaking the law. They would sit inside the bar, even with their fellow patrons they were waiting to arrest, and then make their move after they had enough evidence of intoxication.

What these dumb sons of bitches forgot was that bars, unless owned by the city, are private property, and unless the person is starting a fight, the police have no right to simply walk in and arrest someone for drinking. PRIVATE PROPERTY. NO ARRESTY IN PRIVATE PROPERTY.

Now, the Hammer of Truth, our new favorite news breakers, have let us on to this wonderful act of mercy, or whatever. So to anyone of our nearly 150,000 readers know any of the 39 people that were arrested in a private bar, pass along the word that they can sue the ever living shit out of the City of Irving Police Department, because there's nothing illegal about being over the legal limit in a bar.

As Ron White once said, "Hey, hey, hey, don't arrest me for public intoxication. I was drunk in a bar. They threw me into public, arrest them."


HAMMER OF TRUTH via SPLOID

Looting New Orleans Police Officers Officially Not Looting, Says NOPD
Topic: National News

This topic should be called "national embarrassment" after today's announcement from the New Orleans Police Department stating that four officers who were seen in the Kid's Clothing section of a Wal-mart grabbing clothes were in fact, not looting, but only derelict of their duties to stop the people that kept running past them with TVs. Now, Assistant Police Chief Marlon Defillo said that the officers were cleared because they were taking clothing for other officers who were "soaking wet."

Hmm, but if you remember back to the video, they were taking kid's clothes. And shoes. How old were these officers? Fucking nine? This kind of hypocritical crap just burns our ass, especially since these are goddamn cops who are supposed to be quelling this, not stealing along with everybody else. And the key of all this stupidity is that when asked what they were doing, on camera mind you, the officers responded "looking for looters."

Guess what bitch? They're right behind you in a police uniform. And across the aisle for you with a DVD player under their arm. And running into the cameraman with an armful of tools. Sure NOPD, just suspend them for ten days for "dereliction of duty" and then arrest a bunch of kids on Mardi Grad for being drunk. Assholes.


MSNBC

P.S. - You don't believe us? Look at the picture. Goddamn kid's flip flops in the shopping cart. Even if they were taking stuff for soaked cops, what dripping wet police officer is gonna change out of shoes into flip flops?

Terrell Owens and America's Team: A Heart of Darko Opinion Column
Topic: Sports

This past weekend was an exciting one for sports fans. The NCAA tournament went full swing in its first weekend, as multiple first round matches took out some of the top seeded teams and completely ruined our brackets. But besides this massive spectacle coming to Dallas and entertaining us for three straight days, another issue has gotten stuck in our craw.

Terrell Owens is coming to the Dallas Cowboys.

As loyal Cowboys fans, we hate the Philadelphia Eagles. We bounced up and down giddily on our couch last year as we watched them implode, taking out their Superbowl chances and leaving the team in utter ruins. And it was T.O. and his massive ego that brought it all down.

And now he is with our team. And we say welcome. Because he MUST be on his best behavior now. His contract allows the team to kick him off whenever they feel like it. He's already been charged with he decimation of an excellent football program, and fans from across the nation hate his arrogant ass. So we can at least expect one good year out of him before he opens his mouth.

After all, we respect the talent, not the attitude. Talent brought T.O. to Dallas, because that's what he has. He has the innate ability to not only take his opponent's entire defense with him, but he'll still make the play, and that's rare in the NFL.

So welcome to Dallas Terrell Owens. Hopefully you'll have a long career here as a man who can work with America's team. Bring us a championship and you'll always be remembered and loved. Destroy us from the inside and you might not make it out alive.