DEA Agent Sues DEA After Shooting Self in Foot; For Serious
Topic: Stupidity

DEA agent and former pro football player Lee Paige has sued the Drug Enforcement Agency for "illegally" distributing a video that shows Paige shooting himself in the foot in a demonstration to school children. Paige asserts that the video turned him into a laughing stock and finished his career in law enforcement, when perhaps he should've realized that the fact that he shot himself in the foot only moments after stating he was the only one professional enough to handle the gun probably did more to hurt his career as a DEA agent.

Paige, who writes that he was "once regarded as one of the best undercover agents, if not the best, in the DEA," points to the clip's recent airing on popular television shows and via the Internet as the reason he can no longer work undercover. He also notes that he is no longer "permitted or able to give educational motivational speeches and presentations."

Dude we would hope not. These were middle school kids and you discharged a gun mere feet away from them. If you ever even came on school property again we would want you arrested, law enforcement agent or not. You suck. And watch the video, with the sound up, to see the proof.


THE SMOKING GUN

The End Game for Ariel Sharon; Too Fat to be Revived from Coma
Topic: World News

Israel Prime Minister has reached the end of his days after his massive stroke back in January of this year. Even though there were rumblings this morning, it has finally been announced that the coma is not temporary and, barring a miracle, Sharon is "permanently incapacitated." Under Israeli law, after 100 days, the leader is called such so that a new one can be found. While the deadline expires Friday, Passover begins on Wednesday, so the deadline crossed this morning.

Now, much like warring neighbor Palestine, Israel must find a new leader, one who will come to power at a hard time, especially after the joyous election of Palestinian Prime Minister Abbas (a moderate) and then the election of the hardline Hamas government.

So we'll find out next week who will take over after the Israeli cabinet votes on the man who would be targeted next. So a sad day for Israel, and we're sure Hamas all just simultaneously orgasmed at the news. Thank god we live in Texas, where Jewish people are confined to banks and Palestinians held captive in their convenience stores. We don't need any more protesters walking past our house Sunday at 10 a.m. chanting things we can't, and don't want to, make out over our vodka soaked headache.


CBS NEWS

LAPD Cracking Down on Old People Crossing Streets
Topic: Stupidity

An 82-year-old woman who was slowly crossing the street and didn't make it before the light turned green received a $114 ticket from a LAPD bike cop for obstructing traffic. It is all part of Los Angeles's "Get Out if You're Not Hot" initiative.

"I think it's completely outrageous," said the old bag, who called herself a Cherokee medicine woman. "He treated me like a 6-year-old, like I don't know what I'm doing."

The LAPD's excuse is that they're cracking down on slow walkers due to increased rates of pedestrian deaths, even though we honestly fail to see how that is the person crossing the street under the "walk" sign's fault. Maybe the bike cop should be worrying more about the speeding smug assholes in the hybrids than the old lady on the Rascal electric scooter.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Fox Lets Jack Bauer Violate Geneva Convention Rules on 24 for Three More Years!
Topic: Entertainment

Hooray, huzzah, and boo on you Fox pricks all at the same time. Fox announced today, stupidly, that Keifer Sutherland has signed on for three more years to play Counter Terrorist Unit ultimate bad ass Jack Bauer on our favorite show, 24.

However, we're pissed at them because we were for sure that he was going to die this year, especially after the deaths of President Palmer and Soul Patch Tony.

So way to go Fox for realizing you have one of the best shows on TV, and eat our ass for announcing it in the middle of the season you over-zealous assholes.


VARIETY

The Ever-Present Duke Lacrosse Team Scandal
Topic: Sports

We hate the collegiate institute that is Duke University. Not because everyone there is usually smart, or wealthy, or an ex-girlfriend of ours. No, no. It's because they think they're better than every other person in the world. Guess not assholes.

However, new evidence in the stripper/rape/lacrosse team case might exonerate the whole lot of them and show that public hysteria is the reason a student athlete was suspended, the team's season was canceled and their coach resigned. So here's the bracing evidence... wait for it...

DNA evidence just released proved that there was no match on the woman with anybody on the Duke men's lacrosse team.

Yeah. So after today's earlier announcement showing a timestamped photo of the woman already bearing the injuries she said she incurred inside the building where she supposedly raped, before the rape supposedly occurred, and now this evidence, it might not bode well for her case.

Oh yes, and there's also the woman's criminal past. Now while we don't rush to judgment and have in fact met some very nice girls that were exotic dancers and have even had some brushes with the law, this is just... damn. We're going to use the Associated Press's words because they did a hell of great job describing what she got pinched for.

The alleged victim stole the taxi of a man to whom she was giving a lap dance at a Durham strip club. Court records say she led a sheriff’s deputy on a winding chase at up to 70 mph, and tried to run him down as he approached the cab.

She pleaded guilty to misdemeanor counts of larceny, speeding to elude arrest, assault on a government official and driving while impaired, and spent some weekends in jail.

Yeah, that's right. Damn.


MSNBC

P.S. - Laugh at our owl. LAUGH!

Former Enron CEO Really Sticking With His Story
Topic: National News

As the trial of former Enron CEO and major horse's ass Jeff Skilling continues, Skilling just won't drop his "I didn't do nuthin" story and just keeps pouring on that everyone who confessed to malfeasance was pressured by the government. If this is true, then apparently cooking the books is legal in Texas now and we need to refile our tax report.

"I would say the vast majority who testified here are in my opinion not guilty," Skilling said.

Skilling also goes into how the only reason he quit was because he was saddened that Wall Street seemed to have blacklisted him and the stock was dropping. Of course, this had to do with his front companies getting discovered, but he blames it on the conference call where he yelled at a hedge fund manager and berated him as a "cocksucker." Sure, it was that, and not the billions of dollars of debt that he had hidden in over 100 dummy corporations. Yeah, we believe him.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Our Thoughts on the Dallas Protests: A Heart of Darko Opinion Column
Topic: Texas News

Yesterday, Dallas saw over 500,000 Hispanic protesters march for something that has already been shut down, thus meaning that they were marching for nothing. The bill they were up in arms about was supposed to block them from having the chance to be come citizens, and could even have the chance to go as far as deporting them.

We live on the outskirts of downtown Dallas and watched from our balcony as Hispanic families from the neighboring community walked past our apartment for hours on end, headed the three short blocks to downtown. When we left the house in the early afternoon to head to PetCo to pick up some wormer for the cats (don't ask - ed.), we noticed the thousands of cars crammed on Interstate 35 and parked in the grass along Interstate 75 with even more people streaming towards the heart of the city. However, because of the peaceful nature of this protest, there were no delays or issues when we returned to our home and had to wait for a massive group of marchers to cross the street. Very well organized, overall, with everyone looking smart and unified in their white t-shirts and jeans carrying their American flags.

However, it was in vein. The bill that was supposed to hamper their rights is gone. Now they're boycotting the area to prove their economic impact. While we may not be business owners, we doubt it will have much of an effect. So far, according to the Dallas Morning News, the only businesses that have been hurt by the boycott have been Hispanic businesses. There is no need to hurt your own people that you claim you are trying to help. Every pastry that is not sold by Graciela's bakery (great sweet breads, by the way) doesn't hurt me as a white person. It hurts Jose Cervantes, who has been up since 4:00 a.m. baking.

So we're very sorry that you feel slighted and hated against. Yes, you have economic use and are some of the hardest working people living in Texas. But guess what? You're not hurting me economically or emotionally. We don't want to see anybody starve, but as a single white guy living in Texas, my only worry is for me, selfish as that may sound. Sorry, but it's the truth.

Kerry Blames Federal Money for Loss; Next Week it Will be Killer Bees or Lupus
Topic: Politics
John Kerry has once again shifted the blame for his loss in the 2004 Presidential election, this time moving away from his previous faults on Osama bin Laden, racism, jealousy, poor people and conspiracy. No, this time it was the government's fault for funding his campaign.

What?

"I think the biggest mistake was probably not going outside the federal financing so we could have controlled our own message."

"We had a 13-week general election, they had an eight-week general election. We had the same pot of money. We had to harbor our resources in a different way and we didn't have the same freedom."

Ah yes, except that taking the federal money does not stop a candidate from using their own money they had raised during the campaign, as it didn't do to Kerry. That means that once again this is another excuse on which to blame a campaign with no message and no direction which should have easily creamed a sitting President who couldn't tie his own shoes.

Way to take the blame Kerry. Go ahead and run in 2008. We doubt you'd even vote for yourself.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS (first item)

Malaysian Dude Gets $218 Trillion Phone Bill; Time to Switch Long Distance Providers
Topic: Weird Shit

A man in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, was shocked last week to received a telephone bill for $218 trillion on a phone line he recently disconnected that used to belong to his deceased father's phone. This amount owed is perhaps only eclipsed by our January cell phone bill. Click our ads!

The government-run phone company, Telekom Malaysia, has said they were aware of his bill (duh - ed.), but couldn't comment further. The letter the man received inside his padded envelope said that he had 10 days to pay the fee or he could face legal action.

"If the company wants to seek legal action as mentioned in the letter, I'm ready to face it. In fact, I can't wait to face it."

Thus begins the most hilarious court case ever. We'll keep you posted if we find out more.


MSNBC

The Damn DSCC Weekly Email Update; Blah, Blah, Blah
Topic: Politics

Somehow we got on the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee's email list and they seem to think that we are major contributors to their cause. So that entitles us to some nice inside information and posturing from one of the two political parties, which we will now share for you in a moment of end of the work week assholeism. What follows are a few of the prime snippets from Ms. Anne Lewis, who must do something for the DSCC, but we don't know what that is.

Republican opponents have nearly three times as much money combined as our Democratic candidates have to spend on the race. For example, Rick Santorum has $4 million more than Democrat Bob Casey has to spend on TV ads and other campaign activities that can chip away at Casey's lead in the polls. - Yes, this is because the GOP didn't throw it into attack ads during the 2004 election series. That was your bad.

Democrats have a powerful message on achieving real national security and will be sticking to it in the coming months in order to hold George Bush accountable for the arrogance and incompetence his administration has shown in handling the issue.

In fact, the DSCC released a new poll this week that shows - for the first time ever - more Americans trust Democrats to provide the tough and smart solutions our nation needs in order to provide real security. - This poll was conducted using registered Democrats as the sample subjects. Seriously, they said this on the DSCC web site.

Finally, more good news from Pennsylvania this week, where yet another poll shows Democrat Bob Casey with a healthy lead over Republican Rick "K Street" Santorum. A brand new Quinnipiac University poll shows Casey maintaining his double digit lead, 48%-37%. - We agree. Rick Santorum sucks. We did not, however, know his nickname was "K Street," whatever the shit that means.

So thanks for the email update Anne. From what we've gathered from it, the Democrats are broke, we donated some much needed money (which we didn't - ed.), Bush is Satan (or Hitler, it's ambiguous), and the GOP is just a club for rich boys. How's John Kerry, Anne? Still enjoying living in his nine fucking houses?


DSCC

Wallace & Gromit Movie Happens for Real in England!
Topic: Weird Shit

Perhaps when Nick Park decided to make a full length Wallace and Gromit film (The Curse of the Were-Rabbit... awesome - ed.), he looked more towards fact than straight fiction. That would be the only way to explain the uncanny circumstances regarding this strange happening.

Villagers outside of London are freaking after seeing a monster rabbit completely destroy a garden of all of its crops and then take off angrily into the woods.

?They call it the monster. It?s very big -- it?s nearly the size of a dog,? said Joan Smith, whose son Jeff owns one of the plots under attack.

?It?s eating everything, all the vegetables,? she told Reuters. ?They are trying to shoot it. They go along hoping to catch it but I think it?s too crafty.?

Sweet. We can't wait until a village of English turn up headless with rabbit bites covering their bodies.


MSNBC

Da Vinci Code Plagarism Case Thrown Out of Court
Topic: World News

The case against The Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown citing plagarism from two authors of the 1982 non-fiction consipracy theory book The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail was thrown out of court today, with the judge ruling that Brown didn't use the Holy Blood's ideas as his central theme.

So after six months of fake author alerts, including J.T. Leroy and James Frey, Dan Brown comes out smelling like a rose as his movie streaks towards the box office and what will certainly be enough money for Brown to buy England.

And what will become of the two plaintiffs in the case? They're stuck with a 350,000 pound bill, because they were too stupid to get an attorney that was working for a cut of the results, not cash up front. D'oh.


SKY NEWS

NYPD Convicts Luchese Mob Family Hit Men Detectives
Topic: National News

Two highly decorated NYPD detectives with over 44 years of combined experience were convicted of multiple gangland murders during their employment as hit men for the Luchese mob family. Now, both men, one of whom is retired, get to go to jail, maybe for the rest of their lives, because they killed mob bosses for money.

The financials of their murderous transactions have also finally been released, and they're kind of promising for those that are looking to move into the contract killing business.

$4,000 a month salary, plus 65 grand a hit, including one that was executed during a fake traffic stop. But that didn't stop these two pioneering dirt bags from rising to the top of the NYPD either. The retired detective, Steven Caracappa, actually helped start the department's investigation wing into organized crime murders, probably using his years of experience as a hired killer to rat on his friends.

Wonderful guys, when all is said and done.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Real Life Homeward Bound; The Incredible Journey in Indiana
Topic: National News

You're going to have to forgive us, because we're big softies when it comes to animal stories, and this one is a yarn for the ages. And even though this incredible animal story deals with a Lhasa Apso, which is basically a glorified dish rag anyway, we're going to forgo that and tear up like this family involved in the story surely did.

Gidget was a good dog who was unfortunately named after a shitty TV show starring Sally Field (we think it was Sally Field, but we were scratching our eyeballs out at the time, so we can't be sure - ed.). She realized this in 2001 and took off from her home in South Bend, Indiana. The Webb family was sure that their beloved dog had died, as no one had called in anything and they had not received any words of a sighting.

But never give up hope, my friends! Over four years after her disappearance, Gidget was found by animal control. still wearing her collar and tags. The now 13 year old pooch was returned home to a happy family with a little more stiffness, and still bearing the disappointment of being a Lhasa Apso, but at least she is home.


MSNBC

Singaporean Karate Kids Can't Focus Trying to Find Japanese Kung-Fu Master
Topic: Stupidity

Three confused dudes from Singapore with terrible geography skills got lost in the mountains of Japan and had to be rescued during their search for a "legendary kung fu master" said to be living in said mountains. The prospective students didn't take into account that Japan is, in fact, big.

"Japan looked so small on the world map that we thought we would be able to find him straight away," said one of the wishful students.

That just goes to show you; America might suck at Math, but people from Singapore don't know shit about geography.

REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

A New Day in Heart of Darko History
Topic: Housekeeping

Yes, we have officially broken into a new day and are using Qumana, as you can see below, to assist with our post editing. Instead of using Tripod's semi-outdated (okay, very outdated - ed.) interface, we get to use a browser that looks like Microsoft Word, which helps those of us who usually just bang on a set of keys until the right things come out, like one of Shakespeare's monkeys.

So now we will be able to do greater ad support, make more money, and hopefully recoup our hosting costs. That and it's going to make it easier to post remotely and from multiple computers and such.

So bear with us if any problems arrive, and maybe you might see an extra sponsor or two, but that's because Qads is helping with our sponsorship issues. If you would like to be a sponsor, we not have the capability to get this done, so just let us know. We're cheap and popular.

Powered by Qumana

Another Teacher Accused of Having Sex With Teenage Student
Topic: National News

What is the goddamn deal with teachers bumping uglies with their severely underage students? After former bike model and current hottie Debra LaFave basically got off (excuse the awful pun - ed.) after being convicted of having sex a couple of times with one of her students, a whole rash of teacher/student sex stories are banging around out there.

Now, 34-year-old Rachel Holt is in pretty big trouble after one of her 13-year-old student's fathers contacted police because he believed he was having an inappropriate relationship with his son. The word "inappropriate" doesn't even begin to describe it.

Holt allegedly had sex with her student 28 times, while getting him drunk and allowing his 12-year-old friends to watch them go at it like dogs in heat. This was after she took the boy out to dinner and let him drive her car, like they were in a real relationship. Now Holt is under arrest on multiple counts of rape, providing alcohol to minors, and unlawfully dealing with a child.

Jesus Christ teachers, we made it clear to you earlier. If you're lonely and horny, send us a message. We'll come meet you, sex you up, and then leave, thus allowing you to keep your job and not have to degrade yourself by sleeping with a kid who hasn't hit puberty yet. Goddamn...


MSNBC

New York Teacher Jailed for Performing "Wedgie" on Student
Topic: Stupidity

A grade school teacher in Albany has been arrested and charged after he gave a boy a "wedgie" during a summer school session. No details have come out on how or why the teacher performed this act (like, instead of an Indian rope burn or wet willy - ed.), but he's on administrative leave pending an investigation.

All we know is that this is either the best corporal punishment system we have ever heard of or a completely odd and disgusting form of pedophilia.


WNYT

Reason For Tom Cruise's Latest Bout With Crazy Revealed!
Topic: Entertainment

We've watched with a hand over our eyes as The Last Samurai himself dropped into a massive pit of crazy in the past year. Impregnating a 26-year-old and then creating the term "jumping the couch." Going nuts on Matt Lauer about psychiatric drugs. Just being generally insane in general.

And now, during the latest press junket, his brand of crazy has been explained: dad beat him.

"He was a bully and a coward. He was the kind of person where, if something goes wrong, they kick. It was a great lesson in my life - how he'd lull you in, make you feel safe and then, bang!"

So that's how we lost Ethan Hunt to the demons of Scientology and Nutsville, where he has apparently won the honor of mayor. Come back soon Tom Cruise. No one believes your baby/love thing anyway, so just come back and act normal. Americans are fickle, so we'll forgive you.


THIS IS LONDON

Katie Couric Officially Announces Her Legs Are Leaving NBC
Topic: Media

Not that this is of any consequence or news value since we saw Ms. Couric making the announcement three hours ago, but Katie Couric has informed the entire country, nay, the world, that she is leaving Today and NBC in May and will be anchoring the CBS Evening News as well as appearing on 60 Minutes. And now for our thoughts.

Great. Truly, utterly, completely and sarcastically fantastic. Nice to know that experience as a journalist gets you fired/demoted, while being able to be perky and tan and talk to people about dog shirts at 5 AM gets you a $61 million contract to read news.

It the hiring groundbreaking? Of course it is. Couric will be the first female anchor. Will we watch her? Of course not. Her legs will be hidden beneath a desk. Bad move on CBS's part, if you ask us.


MSNBC