Florida Sucks Today; Kitten Tosser Not Going to Jail
Topic: National News

For some reason, all the news today is coming from Florida. We'd like to think we had something to do with this, but we know that's merely a delusion.

Perhaps you remember the case of the Florida kitten tosser, who allegedly drove down a highway reaching into his back seat and nonchalantly tossing kittens out the driver's side of his rust bucket. Today, a jury exonerated him of all charges, after the only person to see the man do this failed to convince the jury he's a monster.

"It looked like they were coming from underneath the car," she said. "He was hanging his hand over the door ... and flicking them underneath," she said. "It was just horrible."

The accused's response?

"I'm assuming that there were cats in my car," he told the jury during his trial. "I'm assuming that as I turned on to Whitfield, these cats abandoned ship and jumped out.

"I wish I had noticed something," he said, "so that I could have turned that car around and took those kittens back where they belonged."

Okay look, we're not saying this guy is guilty, but the burden of evidence was on the prosecution, and they definitely didn't prove anything. Personally, we think he did it, and this is just another reason why we own a camera phone.


SPLOID

Thank God We Left Florida When We Did; Snakes Are Attacking!
Topic: Weird Shit

Our time spent in West Palm Beach, Fla., while fun, was just a day short of being too long. Thank goodness we didn't have to be there now, as an increasing Burmese Python problem seems to be spreading across the state. Yes, that's right. Big fucking snakes are trying to eat Florida. Like they didn't have enough problems with the hurricanes and bullsharks.

"Last year, we caught 95 pythons," said Skip Snow, a biologist with Florida Everglades National Park.

The problem seems to be when people purchase them as babies at flea markets for relatively cheap. Then the pythons get bigger and get released into the wild or flushed down the john. After one year the snakes can be seven feet long. That's a lot of snake to flush down a crapper.

But state Representative Ralph Poppell is tired of this catch and release attitude (plus, he's a snake hater - ed.) and wants people that purchase Pythons to be required to take a class and obtain a license to care for the snake, or face jail time if they care for it improperly or let it loose in the everglades. Good show, Mr. Poppell. Even though we think hunting them down with shotguns would be more fun.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

One of These Days Alice! Japanese Wife Tries to Bankrupt Family; Police Step in to Help
Topic: World News

A Japanese family who had $42,000 in yen (five million or so - ed.) thrown away in the trash by the wife had the money returned to them by police today, thus negating the evil wench's probable plan of bankrupting her family, thus causing her husband to honorably kill himself in ritual suicide which would leave her with the house and his life insurance, free to go wherever she pleases and stick her black widow fangs into another hard working husband.

No, we're just kidding. The dude put the money in a trash bag and hid it in the garbage, so what the hell did he think was gonna happen on trash day? She wouldn't empty the bin? That's grounds for a smacking in Japanese custom.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

New White House Policy; Everybody Makes Mistakes
Topic: Politics

This has been a day filled with political news, be it President Bush's falling approval ratings or new admission of incompetence by the White House. Well, in light of that second breaking story, WH Spokesman Scotty Mac unveiled the new policy for dealing with reporters; everybody fucks up.

“The White House is not an intelligence-gathering agency.”

He stopped here, only a nano-second short of saying "It's an intelligence ignoring agency."

It would appear that President Bush and his administration did indeed ignore or not even notice statements by scientists that the trailers Bush claimed were used for making nerve gas and chemical weapons in Iraq weren't actually used for that at all. We're going to let the Washington Post explain, because we seem to have a way of wrapping a rant around the facts.

Bush declared in a May 2003 television interview, “We have found the weapons of mass destruction.” The claim, repeated by top administration officials for months afterward, was cited at the time as supporting evidence for the decision to go to war.

The Washington Post reported Wednesday that experts on a Pentagon-sponsored mission who examined the trailers concluded that they had nothing to do with biological weapons and sent their findings to Washington in a classified report on May 27, 2003.

One day later, the Central Intelligence Agency and Defense Intelligence Agency publicly issued an assessment saying the opposite — that U.S. officials were confident that the trailers were used to produce biological weapons. The assessment said the mobile facilities represented “the strongest evidence to date that Iraq was hiding a biological warfare program.” On May 29, 2003, the president repeated the claims from the public intelligence report.

Of course, Scotty Mac, master of the legendary move called "The Brush Off," did in fact brush this off. Damn he's good.


MSNBC

The Damn DSCC Weekly Email Update; Things Getting Less Rosey
Topic: Politics

Every week we receive updates from the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee just reminding us how much Bush is dicking up and how much our previous financial assistance (none - ed.) has been appreciated. This week's email comes two days early and from yet another person we have never heard of or received a communication from in our lives; Executive Director J.B. Poersch. Mr. (or Mrs. for all we know) Poersch isn't a fan of Bush either, but makes absolutely no points other than a solicitation for money, because even though last week's fundraising bout was good, apparently $800,000 isn't nearly enough to run a successful campaign. We respond here with "no shit, idiot."

Sen. Conrad Burns was the number one Senate ambassador for convicted Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff. The good news is that it's working. The latest polls show Burns losing to either of the leading Democratic candidates. - First, we don't know what's working, but whatever. Second, if he's losing to either two, that means that combined they're beating him, but separately, they're losing. Send money, please.

The latest polls show Democrat Bob Casey with a strong, double-digit lead. I am certain that now is the time to keep the pressure on and put Santorum so far behind, he can't possibly recover. - Santorum sucks, but he hasn't started campaigning yet, and Casey's been campaigning for eight months now. He'd better watch his back if he wants to kick sleezeball out of office. Send money, please.

For some reason, Rick Santorum has been the focus of all of these emails, and it finally came to light to us. In fact, it's so simple we should be required to drown ourselves for not noticing sooner. Santorum is from Pennsylvania. Lots of Electoral votes. Ahhhhhhhh.

So, this week's message was? That's right. Democrats need money. Here's another ad for you.

Norwegian's Weirder Than Originally Thought
Topic: World News

We report this story with great sadness, as we have Norwegian ancestry coursing through our veins. It turns out that not only are Toeheads obsessed with cross country skiing, but they also celebrate Easter by reading about murder and watching crime thrillers on TV. This can be attributed to Norway having the lowest crime rater in Europe while having some of the richest citizens and a five day Easter break. Gotta do something to waste the time away, we guess.

"People sit inside their cabins, watch crime on television and then read crime books at night," said book reviewer Ane Farsethaas. "It's a very Norwegian thing to do."

Sure, Norwegian. Or just strange. It's Easter for Christ's sake, and the number one book in the country is titled "Men Who Hate Women."

God why couldn't our ancestors been from Finland?


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

DEA Agent Sues DEA After Shooting Self in Foot; For Serious
Topic: Stupidity

DEA agent and former pro football player Lee Paige has sued the Drug Enforcement Agency for "illegally" distributing a video that shows Paige shooting himself in the foot in a demonstration to school children. Paige asserts that the video turned him into a laughing stock and finished his career in law enforcement, when perhaps he should've realized that the fact that he shot himself in the foot only moments after stating he was the only one professional enough to handle the gun probably did more to hurt his career as a DEA agent.

Paige, who writes that he was "once regarded as one of the best undercover agents, if not the best, in the DEA," points to the clip's recent airing on popular television shows and via the Internet as the reason he can no longer work undercover. He also notes that he is no longer "permitted or able to give educational motivational speeches and presentations."

Dude we would hope not. These were middle school kids and you discharged a gun mere feet away from them. If you ever even came on school property again we would want you arrested, law enforcement agent or not. You suck. And watch the video, with the sound up, to see the proof.


THE SMOKING GUN

The End Game for Ariel Sharon; Too Fat to be Revived from Coma
Topic: World News

Israel Prime Minister has reached the end of his days after his massive stroke back in January of this year. Even though there were rumblings this morning, it has finally been announced that the coma is not temporary and, barring a miracle, Sharon is "permanently incapacitated." Under Israeli law, after 100 days, the leader is called such so that a new one can be found. While the deadline expires Friday, Passover begins on Wednesday, so the deadline crossed this morning.

Now, much like warring neighbor Palestine, Israel must find a new leader, one who will come to power at a hard time, especially after the joyous election of Palestinian Prime Minister Abbas (a moderate) and then the election of the hardline Hamas government.

So we'll find out next week who will take over after the Israeli cabinet votes on the man who would be targeted next. So a sad day for Israel, and we're sure Hamas all just simultaneously orgasmed at the news. Thank god we live in Texas, where Jewish people are confined to banks and Palestinians held captive in their convenience stores. We don't need any more protesters walking past our house Sunday at 10 a.m. chanting things we can't, and don't want to, make out over our vodka soaked headache.


CBS NEWS

LAPD Cracking Down on Old People Crossing Streets
Topic: Stupidity

An 82-year-old woman who was slowly crossing the street and didn't make it before the light turned green received a $114 ticket from a LAPD bike cop for obstructing traffic. It is all part of Los Angeles's "Get Out if You're Not Hot" initiative.

"I think it's completely outrageous," said the old bag, who called herself a Cherokee medicine woman. "He treated me like a 6-year-old, like I don't know what I'm doing."

The LAPD's excuse is that they're cracking down on slow walkers due to increased rates of pedestrian deaths, even though we honestly fail to see how that is the person crossing the street under the "walk" sign's fault. Maybe the bike cop should be worrying more about the speeding smug assholes in the hybrids than the old lady on the Rascal electric scooter.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Fox Lets Jack Bauer Violate Geneva Convention Rules on 24 for Three More Years!
Topic: Entertainment

Hooray, huzzah, and boo on you Fox pricks all at the same time. Fox announced today, stupidly, that Keifer Sutherland has signed on for three more years to play Counter Terrorist Unit ultimate bad ass Jack Bauer on our favorite show, 24.

However, we're pissed at them because we were for sure that he was going to die this year, especially after the deaths of President Palmer and Soul Patch Tony.

So way to go Fox for realizing you have one of the best shows on TV, and eat our ass for announcing it in the middle of the season you over-zealous assholes.


VARIETY

The Ever-Present Duke Lacrosse Team Scandal
Topic: Sports

We hate the collegiate institute that is Duke University. Not because everyone there is usually smart, or wealthy, or an ex-girlfriend of ours. No, no. It's because they think they're better than every other person in the world. Guess not assholes.

However, new evidence in the stripper/rape/lacrosse team case might exonerate the whole lot of them and show that public hysteria is the reason a student athlete was suspended, the team's season was canceled and their coach resigned. So here's the bracing evidence... wait for it...

DNA evidence just released proved that there was no match on the woman with anybody on the Duke men's lacrosse team.

Yeah. So after today's earlier announcement showing a timestamped photo of the woman already bearing the injuries she said she incurred inside the building where she supposedly raped, before the rape supposedly occurred, and now this evidence, it might not bode well for her case.

Oh yes, and there's also the woman's criminal past. Now while we don't rush to judgment and have in fact met some very nice girls that were exotic dancers and have even had some brushes with the law, this is just... damn. We're going to use the Associated Press's words because they did a hell of great job describing what she got pinched for.

The alleged victim stole the taxi of a man to whom she was giving a lap dance at a Durham strip club. Court records say she led a sheriff’s deputy on a winding chase at up to 70 mph, and tried to run him down as he approached the cab.

She pleaded guilty to misdemeanor counts of larceny, speeding to elude arrest, assault on a government official and driving while impaired, and spent some weekends in jail.

Yeah, that's right. Damn.


MSNBC

P.S. - Laugh at our owl. LAUGH!

Former Enron CEO Really Sticking With His Story
Topic: National News

As the trial of former Enron CEO and major horse's ass Jeff Skilling continues, Skilling just won't drop his "I didn't do nuthin" story and just keeps pouring on that everyone who confessed to malfeasance was pressured by the government. If this is true, then apparently cooking the books is legal in Texas now and we need to refile our tax report.

"I would say the vast majority who testified here are in my opinion not guilty," Skilling said.

Skilling also goes into how the only reason he quit was because he was saddened that Wall Street seemed to have blacklisted him and the stock was dropping. Of course, this had to do with his front companies getting discovered, but he blames it on the conference call where he yelled at a hedge fund manager and berated him as a "cocksucker." Sure, it was that, and not the billions of dollars of debt that he had hidden in over 100 dummy corporations. Yeah, we believe him.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Our Thoughts on the Dallas Protests: A Heart of Darko Opinion Column
Topic: Texas News

Yesterday, Dallas saw over 500,000 Hispanic protesters march for something that has already been shut down, thus meaning that they were marching for nothing. The bill they were up in arms about was supposed to block them from having the chance to be come citizens, and could even have the chance to go as far as deporting them.

We live on the outskirts of downtown Dallas and watched from our balcony as Hispanic families from the neighboring community walked past our apartment for hours on end, headed the three short blocks to downtown. When we left the house in the early afternoon to head to PetCo to pick up some wormer for the cats (don't ask - ed.), we noticed the thousands of cars crammed on Interstate 35 and parked in the grass along Interstate 75 with even more people streaming towards the heart of the city. However, because of the peaceful nature of this protest, there were no delays or issues when we returned to our home and had to wait for a massive group of marchers to cross the street. Very well organized, overall, with everyone looking smart and unified in their white t-shirts and jeans carrying their American flags.

However, it was in vein. The bill that was supposed to hamper their rights is gone. Now they're boycotting the area to prove their economic impact. While we may not be business owners, we doubt it will have much of an effect. So far, according to the Dallas Morning News, the only businesses that have been hurt by the boycott have been Hispanic businesses. There is no need to hurt your own people that you claim you are trying to help. Every pastry that is not sold by Graciela's bakery (great sweet breads, by the way) doesn't hurt me as a white person. It hurts Jose Cervantes, who has been up since 4:00 a.m. baking.

So we're very sorry that you feel slighted and hated against. Yes, you have economic use and are some of the hardest working people living in Texas. But guess what? You're not hurting me economically or emotionally. We don't want to see anybody starve, but as a single white guy living in Texas, my only worry is for me, selfish as that may sound. Sorry, but it's the truth.

Kerry Blames Federal Money for Loss; Next Week it Will be Killer Bees or Lupus
Topic: Politics
John Kerry has once again shifted the blame for his loss in the 2004 Presidential election, this time moving away from his previous faults on Osama bin Laden, racism, jealousy, poor people and conspiracy. No, this time it was the government's fault for funding his campaign.

What?

"I think the biggest mistake was probably not going outside the federal financing so we could have controlled our own message."

"We had a 13-week general election, they had an eight-week general election. We had the same pot of money. We had to harbor our resources in a different way and we didn't have the same freedom."

Ah yes, except that taking the federal money does not stop a candidate from using their own money they had raised during the campaign, as it didn't do to Kerry. That means that once again this is another excuse on which to blame a campaign with no message and no direction which should have easily creamed a sitting President who couldn't tie his own shoes.

Way to take the blame Kerry. Go ahead and run in 2008. We doubt you'd even vote for yourself.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS (first item)

Malaysian Dude Gets $218 Trillion Phone Bill; Time to Switch Long Distance Providers
Topic: Weird Shit

A man in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, was shocked last week to received a telephone bill for $218 trillion on a phone line he recently disconnected that used to belong to his deceased father's phone. This amount owed is perhaps only eclipsed by our January cell phone bill. Click our ads!

The government-run phone company, Telekom Malaysia, has said they were aware of his bill (duh - ed.), but couldn't comment further. The letter the man received inside his padded envelope said that he had 10 days to pay the fee or he could face legal action.

"If the company wants to seek legal action as mentioned in the letter, I'm ready to face it. In fact, I can't wait to face it."

Thus begins the most hilarious court case ever. We'll keep you posted if we find out more.


MSNBC

The Damn DSCC Weekly Email Update; Blah, Blah, Blah
Topic: Politics

Somehow we got on the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee's email list and they seem to think that we are major contributors to their cause. So that entitles us to some nice inside information and posturing from one of the two political parties, which we will now share for you in a moment of end of the work week assholeism. What follows are a few of the prime snippets from Ms. Anne Lewis, who must do something for the DSCC, but we don't know what that is.

Republican opponents have nearly three times as much money combined as our Democratic candidates have to spend on the race. For example, Rick Santorum has $4 million more than Democrat Bob Casey has to spend on TV ads and other campaign activities that can chip away at Casey's lead in the polls. - Yes, this is because the GOP didn't throw it into attack ads during the 2004 election series. That was your bad.

Democrats have a powerful message on achieving real national security and will be sticking to it in the coming months in order to hold George Bush accountable for the arrogance and incompetence his administration has shown in handling the issue.

In fact, the DSCC released a new poll this week that shows - for the first time ever - more Americans trust Democrats to provide the tough and smart solutions our nation needs in order to provide real security. - This poll was conducted using registered Democrats as the sample subjects. Seriously, they said this on the DSCC web site.

Finally, more good news from Pennsylvania this week, where yet another poll shows Democrat Bob Casey with a healthy lead over Republican Rick "K Street" Santorum. A brand new Quinnipiac University poll shows Casey maintaining his double digit lead, 48%-37%. - We agree. Rick Santorum sucks. We did not, however, know his nickname was "K Street," whatever the shit that means.

So thanks for the email update Anne. From what we've gathered from it, the Democrats are broke, we donated some much needed money (which we didn't - ed.), Bush is Satan (or Hitler, it's ambiguous), and the GOP is just a club for rich boys. How's John Kerry, Anne? Still enjoying living in his nine fucking houses?


DSCC

Wallace & Gromit Movie Happens for Real in England!
Topic: Weird Shit

Perhaps when Nick Park decided to make a full length Wallace and Gromit film (The Curse of the Were-Rabbit... awesome - ed.), he looked more towards fact than straight fiction. That would be the only way to explain the uncanny circumstances regarding this strange happening.

Villagers outside of London are freaking after seeing a monster rabbit completely destroy a garden of all of its crops and then take off angrily into the woods.

?They call it the monster. It?s very big -- it?s nearly the size of a dog,? said Joan Smith, whose son Jeff owns one of the plots under attack.

?It?s eating everything, all the vegetables,? she told Reuters. ?They are trying to shoot it. They go along hoping to catch it but I think it?s too crafty.?

Sweet. We can't wait until a village of English turn up headless with rabbit bites covering their bodies.


MSNBC

Da Vinci Code Plagarism Case Thrown Out of Court
Topic: World News

The case against The Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown citing plagarism from two authors of the 1982 non-fiction consipracy theory book The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail was thrown out of court today, with the judge ruling that Brown didn't use the Holy Blood's ideas as his central theme.

So after six months of fake author alerts, including J.T. Leroy and James Frey, Dan Brown comes out smelling like a rose as his movie streaks towards the box office and what will certainly be enough money for Brown to buy England.

And what will become of the two plaintiffs in the case? They're stuck with a 350,000 pound bill, because they were too stupid to get an attorney that was working for a cut of the results, not cash up front. D'oh.


SKY NEWS

NYPD Convicts Luchese Mob Family Hit Men Detectives
Topic: National News

Two highly decorated NYPD detectives with over 44 years of combined experience were convicted of multiple gangland murders during their employment as hit men for the Luchese mob family. Now, both men, one of whom is retired, get to go to jail, maybe for the rest of their lives, because they killed mob bosses for money.

The financials of their murderous transactions have also finally been released, and they're kind of promising for those that are looking to move into the contract killing business.

$4,000 a month salary, plus 65 grand a hit, including one that was executed during a fake traffic stop. But that didn't stop these two pioneering dirt bags from rising to the top of the NYPD either. The retired detective, Steven Caracappa, actually helped start the department's investigation wing into organized crime murders, probably using his years of experience as a hired killer to rat on his friends.

Wonderful guys, when all is said and done.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Real Life Homeward Bound; The Incredible Journey in Indiana
Topic: National News

You're going to have to forgive us, because we're big softies when it comes to animal stories, and this one is a yarn for the ages. And even though this incredible animal story deals with a Lhasa Apso, which is basically a glorified dish rag anyway, we're going to forgo that and tear up like this family involved in the story surely did.

Gidget was a good dog who was unfortunately named after a shitty TV show starring Sally Field (we think it was Sally Field, but we were scratching our eyeballs out at the time, so we can't be sure - ed.). She realized this in 2001 and took off from her home in South Bend, Indiana. The Webb family was sure that their beloved dog had died, as no one had called in anything and they had not received any words of a sighting.

But never give up hope, my friends! Over four years after her disappearance, Gidget was found by animal control. still wearing her collar and tags. The now 13 year old pooch was returned home to a happy family with a little more stiffness, and still bearing the disappointment of being a Lhasa Apso, but at least she is home.


MSNBC