Nepal To Have Democracy! We Hadn't Even Realized We'd Invaded
Topic: World News

The king of the small mountain kingdom of Nepal has announced that he will return power to the people of the country in a form of democracy only 14 months after seizing power and naming himself ruler. Now the Nepalese get to look forward to their current king winning every "election" for the next 20 years, kind of like how Saddam worked.

Massive protests had swept the country recently after pro-democracy riots brought the economy of sheep herding and guiding people up mountains to a crippling halt. Rioting crowds were fired upon by Defense Ministry troops, and one person died. But no more! No more beating women and shooting old people. Dammit, we were just planning a vacation.

We just can't wait to see how President Bush turns this one into a "Democracy on the March" speech. Because if he can successfully do that, the guy's damn good.


MSNBC

The Damn DSCC Weekly Email; A Plea From John Edwards!
Topic: Politics

Two emails in one week. This must be a major issue! Actually, it's from John Edwards, who is pleading for your help to raise the minimum wage to $7.25 in the next three years.

Good for that. We're all behind that. But what is interesting is what comes after his plea for our petition signature.

We have set a goal of getting over 125,000 co-sponsors of this bill so that we can personally deliver your signatures to Senate Republican leaders. One hundred and twenty-five thousand supporters is a number they cannot ignore. Already, we've got the Republicans on the run on this issue.

Ah, so the Republicans are opposed to this. Considering this is the first we've heard of this initiative, we doubt this statement. After all, these "rich fools" would need happy laborers to run their death plants, or whatever it is they do, right? We think this is some Democratic whining hoping for pity points. Well, actually, if course it is. The email is from John Edwards, who had nothing to do with introducing this bill. And now he's got his name tacked everywhere on the email claiming he was all over it like white on rice.

Get a life John. Just stop, because we'll support your minimum wage bill, but no one really listens to you. You're like a male college cheerleader. Good looking and a complete party animal idiot. Oh shit. You have all the qualifications to be President. Shit.


DSCC

Missouri Congresswoman Mails Constituent Profane Letter; Somewhere An Intern Is Peeing His Pants
Topic: Politics

We have received a plethora of form letters from politicians since starting this site nearly two years ago. Most of them have either been of the "cease & desist" variety, but that is neither here nor there. But when Missouri Rep. Jo Ann Emerson sent a letter to one of her constituents, we doubt she meant to cap it off like she did.

No, it was not with the hand written note at the bottom which said "PS - Please forgive the delay in responding." Instead, it read "I think you're an asshole."

Ha ha! Greatest political letter ever. So who wrote this correspondence? Certainly not Rep. Emerson.

“There is no excuse for this inappropriate letter having been sent, and every apology has been made to the individual who received it. We cannot determine whether the addition to the letter was made by someone within the office or by someone with access to the office, but it is on my letterhead and the responsibility for it lies with me. A valuable lesson has been learned and new procedures will be adopted as a result.”

Holy crap, she took responsibility. Probably because she had to, especially since the only reason the letter was broken to the public was because it was faxed to the Missouri Democratic Party. But we can guarantee you where this angry swearing came from.

A low ranking member of the staff had undoubtedly been taking many perturbed phone calls from the recipient wondering the status of whatever his dumb crap was. So they wrote it as a joke/revenge, and no one noticed and sent it on to Rep. Emerson, who pretty much signs anything you put on her desk.

Are we close? We bet so.


MSNBC

Baylor University vs. Playboy!
Topic: Texas News

The first time we ever set foot on the Baylor University campus in Waco, Texas, we saw a bear chilling in a big cage. The second time was about eight hours later and we were hammered, making out with some sorority girl one of our friends introduced us too.

Playboy, apparently, was watching. As they prepare their magazine for the upcoming "Girls of the Big 12" issue, they of course went to the private school's campus in Waco with the intentions of getting some supposedly "innocent" Baptist girls to drop trough for the mag.

Now, not all the church-going girls in Texas are innocent. In fact, the majority are Black Widow spiders. But the Baylor president apparently has differing opinions about what people should allow their women-folk to do.

"Playboy is clearly antithetical to Baylor's mission and associating with the magazine would be a violation of the code of conduct."

Of course, this wouldn't be the first time a girl has gotten in trouble by her school for appearing in Playboy. We guarantee that you'll see some chicks from Baylor in the photo spread. Or course, we also guarantee you that they'll be somewhere else after all this is through. Baylor sucks. Go to Texas A&M.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Get the Hell out of Los Angeles
Topic: National News

Some chick in L.A. was just diagnosed with Bubonic Plague! Yeah, you know that disease that killed half of Europe, like 25 million people? We recommend packing your shit and getting the hell out.

It's either that or wait for the plague rats to come. Either way, we warned you, so you can't blame us if you die.


MSNBC

Crazed Former French Air Traffic Controller Thinks Comet Will Kill Earth on May 25
Topic: World News

At first, former French Air Traffic Controller Eric Julien starts off a reasonable assessment of a possible space threat against a potentially large portion of the Earth. Shortly into his description of how he decoded the data, however, his toggle is flipped, and out of nowhere comes what can only be described as his paranoid Frenchness.

He concludes the May 25 event is tied in to the Bush administration's policy of preemptive use of nuclear weapons against Iran, and the effect of nuclear weapons on the realms of higher intelligences.

Even though we have yet to nuke Iran (even though we should - ed.), Mr. Julien seems to believe that the radiation is fucking with the President's brain, even though we would argue that it was the decade of drinking and drug usage.

But beware, whatever part of the world you are in, for the comet Schwassman-Wachmann, which could possibly dump a Volkswagen-sized piece of itself in your area. Knowing our country's recent luck, it'll hit New Orleans.


U.S. NEWSWIRE

Japanese Soldier Finally Makes It Home From World War II After 63 Years; That's a Long Tour of Duty
Topic: World News

An 83-year-old Japanese solider has finally returned to his hometown of Iwate after 63 years in Ukraine after being captured, pronounced dead to his government, and then left behind in World War II. Stripped of his citizenship because of the death certificate, Ishinosuke Uwano married and father three children in his home outside of Kiev.

He has forgotten how to speak his native language and speaks only Russian now, meaning that he went from speaking a horrifically ear-piercing language to possibly the ugliest one on the planet. While living on the tundra. Hmm, tropical living to the north pole? This guy's life stinks. Hurry up and give him his citizenship back, Japan!


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Holy Crap! 101-Pound Dude Eats 6,500 Calories a Day... Just to Maintain!!!
Topic: Weird Shit

22-year-old Matt Chaffee of Idaho Falls, Idaho, has always been a medical improbability since he was a fetus. But now the 26-inch waisted dietary freak has something to celebrate; he finally crossed the 100-pound mark.

As a celebration, his mother took him out to dinner, hoping that she can get some of the 6,500 calories he needs to survive into his body. He gains most of this nourishment through protein shakes and rides his bike to work and college every day.

Oh, and before you think about pushing him around, he can still bench press 130 pounds, so he's not weak. Just skinny as crap. But he's an odd case and seems to be a good kid, so we hope he hits his goal of 120. Hell, that's pretty normal. His 26-inch waist isn't, but 120 pounds is. Good luck Matt.


MSNBC

Say It Ain't So! Scotty Mac Resigns as White House Press Secretary
Topic: Politics

Possibly tired of his constant task of having to BS the press into believing totally wild reports about the goings on in the world, White House Press Secretary Scotty Mac, Mr. Scott McClellan, resigned from his job this morning, leaving a void in Bush's cabinet and in our heart that will never be filled quite the same.

"I have given it my all sir and I have given you my all sir, and I will continue to do so as we transition to a new press secretary," Scotty Mac said.

Doesn't that somehow reek of defeat and disappointment? Wonder if Bush will say anything as such.

"I thought he handled his assignment with class, integrity," the president said. "It's going to be hard to replace Scott, but nevertheless he made the decision and I accepted it. One of these days, he and I are going to be rocking in chairs in Texas and talking about the good old days."

The good old days? Now I understand why Scotty decided to leave; his boss is delusional. We wish you luck, Mr. McClellan, and we promise our ribbings of you have ended.

After this final one, fatty.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Rolling Blackouts Turn Texas Into California! Enron? Is That You?
Topic: Texas News

The first indication of trouble a-brewing at Enron was the rolling blackouts in California, instituted by a company so desperate for money that they shut down the power grids to drive up prices so they could pay off debt. Is this what is happening in Texas?

Beginning this past Saturday night, rolling blackouts have struck Texas, including Dallas for a period of four hours, which pretty much forced us to sit in the dark and drink beer. Not that's what we weren't going to be doing anyway, but this way we didn't even have a choice of doing something else.

Yesterday the blackouts were instituted again, and today they're back, shutting down grids from Houston to Dallas. But this is, at least according to the power companies, not a lame attempt to drive up energy costs. They claim the reason is due to the sudden surprise heat wave and the plants not being up to capacity after being down for maintenance all winter.

Sounds reasonable... wait a second. That's just what Enron said! We knew it! We would see nothing more enjoyable than TXU going down hard. They're scam artists. Do you hear that state government? TXU is trying to drive up energy costs. Sic 'em!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

The Damn Weekly DSCC Email; Barack Obama Hates Government, Not President
Topic: Politics

We are a bit, perplexed, to say the least, when it comes to this week's Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee email. For the past two weeks, we've been getting hammered by no names. Now, they seem to be pulling out the big guns. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the people that people actually like.

Like this week's guest emailer, Illinois Senator Barack Obama. Now the past five emails have consisted of the following sharply written prose; "Bush sucks, Rick Santorum is a douche, give us money so the GOP loses." But Obama, ever the politician, shies away from this Barbara Boxer-esque diatribe and goes off on his own tangent. Choice tidbits and commentary follow.

I've had enough of the attitude that we'd be better off if we just divvy it up into individual tax breaks and let everyone fend for themselves. I think we've all had enough of being told to buy your own health care, your own retirement security, your own child care, your own schools, your own private security force, your own roads, and your own levees. - Nice Katrina reference. Granted, Sen. Obama doesn't have to buy any of this, but he's got a damn good point. We don't even have health insurance.

It's the timidity - the smallness - of our politics that's holding America back and making our people uncertain. The idea that some problems are just too big to handle, and if you just ignore them, they'll go away. - This is actually incorrect. The GOP went after the big issues like terrorism, health care, social security and Medicare. They just fucked it up.

We, as Democrats, have a responsibility to change our politics. Now is the time for us to stand up and make our mark on history. It's time for America to learn how to dream again and to do great things in the face of serious challenges. - Of course, as Republicans, the GOP have a responsibility to change our politics too. So do the Libertarians. And the Green Party. Just saying.

So at least this email was a message of hope instead of the "everybody blows but us" hypocritical horse shit of the previous emails. Thanks Senator Obama, for bringing back dignity to politics, even if you are straddling a sharp political fence. We hope you don't slip and hurt yourself.


DSCC

Robotic Boning in 2016? You Better Believe it, Computer Nerds
Topic: Technology

Women are truly wonderful creatures, with the ability to show affection in a wide range before going off on a tangent of why there is a crumb on her favorite section of the carpet. So what if you could have that affection, love and sexual energy without the crazy? How much would you pay for that.

We'd guess a lot. And sex researchers from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University have predicted that sex robots with all the features of a lifelike humanoid will be on the market by 2016, meaning that finally, you can have a date for the prom.

"There is a possibility of developing erotic materials for yourself that would allow you to create a partner of certain dimensions and qualities, the partner saying certain things in that interaction, certain things happening in that interaction."

So this isn't your everyday hand-held battery operated vagina. No sir, this is a full functioning machine who's sole duty is to lie on a bed and be a receptacle for you.

Seriously, these people are screwed up. Why would anyone want to shag a robot? What's wrong with mom and pop, meat and potatoes masturbation? Jesus people. Just because you can make something doesn't mean you should.


REUTERS

Your Tax Day Cartoon! Not About Your 1040 Form!
Topic: Political Cartoons

As an entity who forgot about taxes until the day before they were due last year, we feel for many of you sorry creatures who are still crunching numbers in the hope that you can make it to the post office or file that extension online before the IRS rains hellfire and damnation on you.

So today we give you a tax cartoon from Larry Wright of Caglecartoons.com. It actually isn't about your complicated tax books and 1040 forms. It's about estate taxes, because we think that Larry finally hit the nail on the head and broke down what both political parties are getting greedy over. So enjoy, and good luck on your returns. We can't wait until the IRS deposits our paltry refund check into our bank account and then proceeds to audit the deposit as "extra earned income."

The Diabolical Duke Rape Case Gets Indictments! Hooray!
Topic: Sports

The weird case of the alleged rape by the Duke University lacrosse team is getting stranger by the day, as the grand jury convened today and handed down sealed indictments (81 in total... wow - ed.) and the victim picked two of the three boys out from photographs 100% of the time and the third 90% of the time. But, remember, she did dance for them before they allegedly raped her.

But that's all normal for such a case. Here's where it gets weird. After the assault occurred, a women who was later discovered to be her co-dancer who also went to the lacrosse team's house and wasn't raped stopped in a Kroger parking lot for help. The hospital and police station were much closer to the site of the "assault" and the driver claimed that she just picked up the victim on the side of the road.

The security guard who called 911 from Kroger said that they woman in the passenger seat seemed high and was passed out, while the driver smelled of alcohol. He was quoted as saying that there was no way the passenger was raped or assaulted.

So what happened? The victim's fellow stripper who went with her to the lacrosse party isn't admitting to shit, and at first didn't even admit that she knew the victim. Then she took her to a Kroger instead of the police station or hospital, even though it was way out of the way. Plus, they were both on something, be it drugs or alcohol. And there was no DNA evidence from anyone on the lacrosse team anywhere on the victim.

Just what the hell is going on here? Sometimes we wish justice were instant, like in Batman movies. Because man, that would kick so much ass.


ABCNEWS

Former Illinois Governor Guilty of Racketeering, Other Major Crimes!
Topic: National News

Today is not exactly a great day to be from the state of Illinois. Former Governor George Ryan has been convicted by a US District Court Judge of racketeering, mail fraud, tax fraud, obstruction of justice, and lying to the FBI. Ryan, once a big critic of the death sentence, reportedly steered big business to Illinois and companies that he and his family had personal stakes in, including a business deal with IBM that netted him $25 million.

So now we have corrupt politicians from states other than our own. Thank god, because it's embarrassing to have Tom DeLay in the news everyday. Now it's Ryan's turn. Oh wait, no it's not. He's a Democrat. Ha ha! We said it.


ABCNEWS

Idiot Russian "Student" Gives $160,000 to Psychics to Remove Curse
Topic: World News

College students are notorious for spending gobs of money on crap they don't need, like ping pong tables, video game systems, and massively over sized truck tires. Well, a Russian student can trump anything you throw at him, after she gave a pair of "psychics" $160,000 in jewelry and money to lift a curse.

The two wanted women have not yet been found, but we're pretty sure they're the best salesmen ever and that their mark was a total moron.


REUTERS

Here Comes Easter!
Topic: Stupidity

Seriously though, be safe and have a happy Easter everyone. We're out of here early today, mostly because these are the autumn years of our mid twenties, and we have many a video game to play. Peace.

Oops! Katrina Hero is a Drug Dealer
Topic: Embarrassment

21-year-old Jabar Gibson saw 60 of his fellow city mates stranded in the Louisiana Superdome and thought to himself, this will not do. After hot-wiring a yellow school bus, he loaded up the elderly and tired and drove them the entire way to the Houston Astrodome, right as the Superdome flooded, which would have sealed his passengers' fates.

The man is a definite hero and the epitome of someone who takes care of your fellow man. But that's because he's actually a drug dealer.

Mr. Gibson was arrested, for a second time, mind you, for possession of cocaine, heroin, and a .357 magnum. He was out of jail on bail when he rescued those 60 people from the Superdome, and it looks now like his movie and book deals will either peter out or take off due to the heartbreaking end of his story.

We're officially offering Mr. Gibson $2,000 for the rights to his story. Don't worry though, because we have no plans on turning around and selling them to Warner Brothers for hundreds of thousands. There's no way we're letting this story go for anything less than a billion.


MSNBC

Florida Sucks Today; Kitten Tosser Not Going to Jail
Topic: National News

For some reason, all the news today is coming from Florida. We'd like to think we had something to do with this, but we know that's merely a delusion.

Perhaps you remember the case of the Florida kitten tosser, who allegedly drove down a highway reaching into his back seat and nonchalantly tossing kittens out the driver's side of his rust bucket. Today, a jury exonerated him of all charges, after the only person to see the man do this failed to convince the jury he's a monster.

"It looked like they were coming from underneath the car," she said. "He was hanging his hand over the door ... and flicking them underneath," she said. "It was just horrible."

The accused's response?

"I'm assuming that there were cats in my car," he told the jury during his trial. "I'm assuming that as I turned on to Whitfield, these cats abandoned ship and jumped out.

"I wish I had noticed something," he said, "so that I could have turned that car around and took those kittens back where they belonged."

Okay look, we're not saying this guy is guilty, but the burden of evidence was on the prosecution, and they definitely didn't prove anything. Personally, we think he did it, and this is just another reason why we own a camera phone.


SPLOID

Thank God We Left Florida When We Did; Snakes Are Attacking!
Topic: Weird Shit

Our time spent in West Palm Beach, Fla., while fun, was just a day short of being too long. Thank goodness we didn't have to be there now, as an increasing Burmese Python problem seems to be spreading across the state. Yes, that's right. Big fucking snakes are trying to eat Florida. Like they didn't have enough problems with the hurricanes and bullsharks.

"Last year, we caught 95 pythons," said Skip Snow, a biologist with Florida Everglades National Park.

The problem seems to be when people purchase them as babies at flea markets for relatively cheap. Then the pythons get bigger and get released into the wild or flushed down the john. After one year the snakes can be seven feet long. That's a lot of snake to flush down a crapper.

But state Representative Ralph Poppell is tired of this catch and release attitude (plus, he's a snake hater - ed.) and wants people that purchase Pythons to be required to take a class and obtain a license to care for the snake, or face jail time if they care for it improperly or let it loose in the everglades. Good show, Mr. Poppell. Even though we think hunting them down with shotguns would be more fun.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS