Topic: Animals vs. Humans
The Heart of Darko's Animals vs. Humans series continues today as a report has surfaced from California which tells of violent squirrel attacks on people in the past months. These unprovoked acts of violence have risen to a fever pitch in Mountain View, Cali., where a small boy was acosted by a furry rodent last week, bringing the total of attacks to a "fingers and toes" counting method. And with the recent loss of animal expert Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin at the hands of a sting ray assassin, the world is now looking for a new hero to rise up and quell this rapidly growing series of violence against humans.
Now, the city's Department of Fishing and Wildlife department has announced a counterstrike on the violent beasts, saying that they will begin trapping and destroying the rogue squirrels. However, many wildlife scholars in the area are not so sure that this will work.
"The squirrels will be back," South Bay wildlife rehabilitator Norma Campbell said. "For every one you take out, two more will come in. It could be a never-ending project that isn't going to accomplish anything."
Strong, strange words, from undoubtedly a very odd woman.
International relations just got a little more informal, as the world's first game of international beach volleyball just recently took place between the United States and Mexico, with the Mex/US border fence being used as the net.
The Chinese Ethnic Minority Games came to a screeching halt after a group of cross-dressing transexuals kicked off mob violence throughout the games, which were meant to celebrate the athleticism of China's 55 different minority groups. After noticing that the winning team in something called the "dragon-boat race" were composed of overly large women with adam's apples as large as their testicles, minority groups from around the country quickly turned the games into a scene of mob violence, proving that America is not the only country that hates cross-dressers.
Just a brief note to all your Dallas Mavericks fans out in cyberland tonight pushing your personal internet through the series of tubes; Dirk Nowitzki has signed his contract extension through the 2010-11 season, meaning that at least for the next five years, our big German isn't going anywhere!
Golfing hall of famer and all around legend Byron Nelson died at the ripe old age of 94 on Tuesday morning. He was found by his wife at his wood-working bench on the back porch, after dying of natural causes.
Since making the comment at the U.N. that Bush is the Devil, multiple columnists, blogs and random people have struck out at Hugo Chavez for opening his fat, dumb mouth. And now comes the political backlash, even from odd sources, such as Democratic insane-monger Nancy Pelosi.
When West Virginian Allen Snyder lost his garden gnome, at first he thought it was a simple case of thievery. However, Snyder has been receiving multiple letters from "Gnomey," who has been traveling the country lately, and now even made it to the Pittsburg Steelers football game this past Monday. He still seems to hold a grudge against Snyder for not taking him anywhere.
We were fortunate enough to catch President Bush's speech yesterday on our cell phone during a break during which he called out Iran and said that he was appointing a special official to look into Iran's nuclear, or "nucular," program. Or both of them, if the dude has time.
Are you tired of people at work telling you that you drink too much at happy hours and that you're ruining your life? Screw em. You'll end up with more in the bank.
A nearly eighty-year-old woman was arrested in Chicago after her attempt to rob a bank with a toy gun backfired. She now faces 20 years in prison for her botched attempt at crime. 
Columbian musical instrument manufacturer Luis Alberto Paredes has begun a brand new and totally kickass program in which he is using former guerilla AK-47s to create a new series of rosewood electric guitars. Paredes said that every single musical axe will be made from a once-used fully automatic rifle.
We were excited and honored today when we opened our email inbox and, after sorting through the random penic enlargement, Cialis, and porn emails we apparently subscribe to, we noticed this week's DSCC email, with a special surprise; it was from President Bill Clinton himself.
Yesterday evening saw the death of former Texas governor Ann Richards, who became nationally known for being the creator of the "make fun of a Bush" policy for the Democratic party, as well as being only the second woman elected to Governor of any state in our country's history.
Despite Time magazine's glowing praise of Hillary Clinton as the next President of the United States (she's been on more covers than J-Lo - ed.), the junior Senator from New York might be in some big trouble with her latest endorsement. This time it comes from another big-time jackass in the form of Janet Jackson, the boob-popping "less crazy" Jackson.
When next year's Malaysian astronaut attempts not to explode in outer space in a Russian-made rocket, he will also attempt something even more dangerous: making boiling hot tea inside the multi-million dollar tube full of wiring and things that explode.
We first came to know of The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin while at our college friend Amanda's house, who was a massive fan of the catchphrase spewing insane Australian. Well now the entire world is emitting a shocked "Crikey!" after hearing that Irwin was killed during a diving accident over the weekend when the barb of a stingray pierced his heart.
The first time we lost our job, our boss gave him the opportunity to yell and scream athim by giving us a face to face confrontation surrounding the whole "deal." Executives at Radio Shack, who previously announced upcoming job cuts, apparently don't have any balls to speak of, as they let 400 employees go yesterday by a mass email notification, creating ire among remaining employees of the company and setting off a sense of outrage throughout the nation.
Are you a horny Australian man whom has just spent way too much money filling up your Ute or similar vehicle? Well then take your receipt to either The Site of Madame Kerry's brothel for a 20 percent discount on their wide (no pun intended - ed.) selection of prime chippy.
Congratulations go out to Comedy Central's brilliant The Colbert Report, for adding another notch on their belt of creating satire. Both "truthiness" and Wikiality" have been added to TV's most popular buzzwords by the Global Language Monitor, which also added "Dr. McDreamy" and "Katie" to their list this year. Because we're all about pop culture (until it gets annoying - ed.), definitions are as follows:
Our planned hiatus has taken a break, allowing us a moment or two to post some stupidity from our own judiciary system, once again focusing on professed JonBenet Ramsey Killer John Mark Karr, who was extradited from Bangkok, Thailand, earlier last week to face possible murder charges in the decades-old case. Turns out he just wanted to get the hell out of Thailand before child indecency charges were brought against him there.