Topic: Texas News
The Houston Chronicle reports today that San Antonio strip club Palace Men's Club is planning a trip to the popular river innertubing destination New Braunfels this Sunday as the city initiates a massive sweep of the normal drunken debauchery that usually occurs during trips down the river.
Even though the manager of the club says that the dancers will be dressed as they should be and that they aren't "hookers, dope dealers or Mafia thugs," this appears to be a not too subtle poke at the new ordinance, which has created a lot of new rules since we first attended one of these mass gatherings of drunken idiocy, where the only rule was no glass bottles on the water.
New Braunfels City Councilman Ken Valentine had this to say about the stripper trip, which men can accompany for $25, proving that no matter where you go with an exotic dancer, you always have to pay cover: "I'm really disappointed that this is going to occur on Sunday when people should be in church,. I hope they behave themselves and keep their clothes on, but I'm not sure they will because strippers are trained to take off their clothes."
Perhaps Councilman Valentine doesn't understand the purpose of people making these trips. They're so you don't have to behave responsibly. When you go on a tubing trip with six guys, four girls, five cases of beer and a handle of whiskey (not that we did or anything - ed.), responsibility goes out the window. Just make sure that you have a religious zealot on the river with you to laugh at and then drive you home, as we did. Or didn't. We have to vague. Our mother reads this.
Lubbock, Texas, home to Texas Tech University and some of the worst smells ever to invade a major city, has just become the home of another oddity that fits perfectly into the urban cesspool; a fish with human teeth.
Three Dallas area school districts have become the first to ban the wearing of idiotic "grillz" in the mouths of their students. These stupid pieces of "jewelry" go over the teeth and are made to be pretty much just a shiny way to make you talk like you have a mouthful of shit.
Parkland Memorial Hospital is the type of medical facility that we would not step foot in. This is not because the medical staff is incompetent (Parkland is notorious for having some of the best staff in the nation - ed.), or because it's in a bad location (which it is), but because of its overpowering smell, which seems to be a combination of urine and week old semen.
A 14-year veteran of the Houston Police Department was relieved of duty after being caught pulling off a menage-a-trois with his wife and her best friend during an Astros/Rangers baseball game last week.
While we am sure many of you have already read this story, more information has come to light that we feel we must share. Yesterday afternoon, 18 teachers from Lake Highlands High School in Dallas were taken to the hospital complaining of dizziness, nausea and elevated heart rates after eating muffins left in the teacher's lounge.
We're back! Rejoice, you little suckers. We said REJOICE!
The first time we ever set foot on the Baylor University campus in Waco, Texas, we saw a bear chilling in a big cage. The second time was about eight hours later and we were hammered, making out with some sorority girl one of our friends introduced us too.
The first indication of trouble a-brewing at Enron was the rolling blackouts in California, instituted by a company so desperate for money that they shut down the power grids to drive up prices so they could pay off debt. Is this what is happening in Texas?
Miss Deaf Teen Texas Tara McAvoy was struck down by a speeding Union Pacific train in Austin on Monday afternoon. Witnesses said that the conductor was frantically blowing the train's whistle while bystanders tried to get McAvoy's attention before she stepped in front of the locomotive.
Texas is drier than a ninety year old woman, and now that the winds have picked up across the northern region of the state, it appears that the devil has decided to build a summer home here, as fires are continuing to rage across the region. So far, one person has died and hundreds of homes (both stationary and the motor variety, we might add - ed.) have been destroyed in the blazes.
The town of Clark, Texas, has decided that their dignity has a price. That price? A decade of free Dish Network satellite TV. All 55 homes will receive 10 years of uninterrupted service for allowing their small town to join the ranks of other tiny hamlets across the nation that have changed their names for corporate sponsorship, such as;
It's early to speculate, but new models are showing upwards of $50 billion in damages to the greater Houston area with the landfall of Hurricane Rita. As we speak, one evacuee sleeps in our bed surrounded by our cats and dog, while our brother makes his way north in the retarded traffic out of Houston. Current drive time between Houston and Dallas is over 13 hours.