Topic: Weird Shit
Seven funeral directors from outside of New York City and Rochester, New York, have pleaded guilty in a secret hearing on multiple counts from their admittal to having stolen multiple organs from recently deceased people and selling them to organ remittance services for a hefty profit.
Joining them will be a former oral surgeon, who made untold millions of dollars unloading the organs across the country, which infected multiple recipients, mostly because they're not fucking zombies and could not accept the dead tissue.
Included in the case is the director of the funeral home which removed organs from late Masterpiece Theater host Alistair Cooke's body. The district attorney had the right idea when he called the removal of skin, organs and bones from corpses "something out of a cheap horror movie."
Of course, if this were our movie (thank god it's not - ed.), the victims would come back to life to eat and rip apart the seven directors who did this to them. The film would end with Alistair Cooke shoving an oversized leather-bound book down the throat of the owner of the biomedical tissue service. Pure genius. Make us an offer, Hollywood. Make us an offer.
We're sure that by now, you have all heard about the single engine plane that crashed into a Manhattan skyscraper yesterday morning, which killed the two people aboard and raised the New York terror alert to "Holy Godfuck it Happened Again!" But now new reports have come out that have confirmed that it was not only not a terrorist attack, but that the plane was piloted by New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle.
A Canadian who was obviously retarded or otherwise mentally challenged decided to steal a loaded beer truck from a liqour store and smash it into another car a few miles away while consuming the frothy lager in the back. After deciding to save a bunch of money on his car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident, police used a sophisticated tracking method to find the thief.
Just a quick reminder to all you losers who get to sit on the couch all day Saturday and do both jack and shit while picking Fritos out of your belly button - the annual University of Texas/University of Oklahoma Red River Showdown is taking place this weekend mere blocks away from our HQ at Fair Park in Dallas, meaning that because we will, for one, not be attending the game, and two, charging people twenty bucks to park in the HoD headquarter's lot. 
For those three of you that have been reading the Heart of Darko for the past year, you know of our love for Jewish country singer turned political candidate for Texas governor Kinky Friedman. Well, tonight is the entire world's chance to see Kinky in action, as he live debates the other independent candidate, Carol Strayhorn, who sees herself as "One Tough Grandma" which honestly is stupid. No white grandmother can be tough. Firm, possibly, but not tough.
Apparently the animals involved in the multi-pronged attack against the human race have large amounts of money at their disposal, as a team of researchers and scientists are beginning to experiement with crossing bunny and human DNA to create a hybrid embryo. If this is successful, it is only a short period of time before the six foot tall evil rabbit from Donnie Darko becomes real and eats us all. 
The Heart of Darko's Animals vs. Humans series continues today as a report has surfaced from California which tells of violent squirrel attacks on people in the past months. These unprovoked acts of violence have risen to a fever pitch in Mountain View, Cali., where a small boy was acosted by a furry rodent last week, bringing the total of attacks to a "fingers and toes" counting method. And with the recent loss of animal expert Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin at the hands of a sting ray assassin, the world is now looking for a new hero to rise up and quell this rapidly growing series of violence against humans. 
International relations just got a little more informal, as the world's first game of international beach volleyball just recently took place between the United States and Mexico, with the Mex/US border fence being used as the net.
The Chinese Ethnic Minority Games came to a screeching halt after a group of cross-dressing transexuals kicked off mob violence throughout the games, which were meant to celebrate the athleticism of China's 55 different minority groups. After noticing that the winning team in something called the "dragon-boat race" were composed of overly large women with adam's apples as large as their testicles, minority groups from around the country quickly turned the games into a scene of mob violence, proving that America is not the only country that hates cross-dressers.
Just a brief note to all your Dallas Mavericks fans out in cyberland tonight pushing your personal internet through the series of tubes; Dirk Nowitzki has signed his contract extension through the 2010-11 season, meaning that at least for the next five years, our big German isn't going anywhere!
Golfing hall of famer and all around legend Byron Nelson died at the ripe old age of 94 on Tuesday morning. He was found by his wife at his wood-working bench on the back porch, after dying of natural causes.
Since making the comment at the U.N. that Bush is the Devil, multiple columnists, blogs and random people have struck out at Hugo Chavez for opening his fat, dumb mouth. And now comes the political backlash, even from odd sources, such as Democratic insane-monger Nancy Pelosi.
When West Virginian Allen Snyder lost his garden gnome, at first he thought it was a simple case of thievery. However, Snyder has been receiving multiple letters from "Gnomey," who has been traveling the country lately, and now even made it to the Pittsburg Steelers football game this past Monday. He still seems to hold a grudge against Snyder for not taking him anywhere.
We were fortunate enough to catch President Bush's speech yesterday on our cell phone during a break during which he called out Iran and said that he was appointing a special official to look into Iran's nuclear, or "nucular," program. Or both of them, if the dude has time.
Are you tired of people at work telling you that you drink too much at happy hours and that you're ruining your life? Screw em. You'll end up with more in the bank.
A nearly eighty-year-old woman was arrested in Chicago after her attempt to rob a bank with a toy gun backfired. She now faces 20 years in prison for her botched attempt at crime. 
Columbian musical instrument manufacturer Luis Alberto Paredes has begun a brand new and totally kickass program in which he is using former guerilla AK-47s to create a new series of rosewood electric guitars. Paredes said that every single musical axe will be made from a once-used fully automatic rifle.
We were excited and honored today when we opened our email inbox and, after sorting through the random penic enlargement, Cialis, and porn emails we apparently subscribe to, we noticed this week's DSCC email, with a special surprise; it was from President Bill Clinton himself.
Yesterday evening saw the death of former Texas governor Ann Richards, who became nationally known for being the creator of the "make fun of a Bush" policy for the Democratic party, as well as being only the second woman elected to Governor of any state in our country's history.
Despite Time magazine's glowing praise of Hillary Clinton as the next President of the United States (she's been on more covers than J-Lo - ed.), the junior Senator from New York might be in some big trouble with her latest endorsement. This time it comes from another big-time jackass in the form of Janet Jackson, the boob-popping "less crazy" Jackson.