Goodbye Cruel World; The Offical End of The Heart of Darko
Topic: Housekeeping

As any of you who have stopped by here in any recent moment undoubtedly has noticed, The Heart of Darko is closed for business.  Is it permanent, you ask?

Yes.

This was a wonderful waste of time, and all of the staff enjoyed our little rays of sunshine and trite words. Our accomplishments are so large, only a very patient mother could love them.

In October 2004, two weeks before the presidential election, we enjoyed 140,000 unique visitors in one day, thanks to a tip from a dear reader that led to us breaking an election story no one had latched onto yet.  We were one of Tripod's most popular political news blogs in the second half of 2004 as well, and actually were able to even make a little bit of money from the endeavor.

Following the election, loyal readers saw a change in our direction, moving towards news that had fallen through the cracks.  Animals vs. Humans became a smash hit for us.  We were also thanked by Kinky Friedman's Texas gubernatorial campaign staff in 2006, and were very happy to help Mr. Friedman.  May he run again and win in 2010.

And lastly, as a staff of writers, both amateur and professional, we were equally proud to assist in a boycot and nationwide petition of one James Frey, who deceived not only the nation, but the mighty Oprah Winfrey, with his little "memoir."

So we thank you all for reading continually.  This site will remain active (for free, thanks to the ads above this post) as an archive for all to see.  We would like to think that our writing, passion, and knowledge has grown since the inception of this monstrosity.  We have also attempted to swear less with each continued post, goddammit.

The staff of The Heart of Darko wishes you all the best.  And remember, when life gets you down and things begin to seem too complicated, you could always be cleaning a sewer in Prague.  Made you feel better, didn't we?

All the best,

The editorial staff of The Heart of Darko.

Happy 2008 Every Drunk Person!
Topic: Housekeeping

So our girlfriend got us an awesome Christmas gift (it's a decanter that we filled with Jack Daniels... totally kick ass - ed.), and now we're ruining it as quickly as possible.  Our stupid hands can't keep up with our need, nay, necessity to text message our friends and send them horrificly vulgar notes of a happy new year.

So Happy New Year!  It's soon going ot be 2008!  And nothing has changed since about 2003, which really isn't a good note to start the year on.  Granted, there's always a ton of booze to drink, and that makes us all equals.  Or drunks.  We forget.

Be safe tonight, everybody.  We're drinking ourselves into an early grave, hoping that we really, honestly, truly, don't have to wake up at 6:00am and go to work in the morning.  But because God has chosen to crap all over our dreams and aspirations, we do.  So make sure you don't drink and drive, and we're very glad you're with us.

 

HAPPY 2008! 

Happy Festivus! No Bagel No Bagel No Bagel No Bagel No Bagel No Bagel
Topic: Housekeeping

You thought we forgot.  Happy Festivus everyone!  We once again have up our aluminum pole (no Christmas tree this year... damn cats - ed.), completely undecorated, just as Frank Costanza laid down in the original rules.

We wish all of you a Happy Festivus, Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, or whatever it is you celebrate.  Unless it's weird or dirty or both weird and dirty.  Then you're just sick.  You hear us you sickos!  SICK!

Celebrate Your Independance in This Wonderful World by Blowing Up a Small Portion of It
Topic: Housekeeping

Happy Fourth of July everybody!  It's time for you to blow off all of your responsibilities (but feed your damn kids! - ed.) and drink copious amounts of cheap American beer while eating more hot dogs than Kobayashi and attempting to destroy pieces of your country with as many Chinese-made fireworks as possible.

Be safe in your revelry, and remember that our founding fathers did not create our country for you to smash with your car while drunk.  We would prefer you hid your keys from yourself and wound up like the dude to the right.

Happy New Year Everyone Else!
Topic: Housekeeping

So we already wished Saddam Hussein a Happy New Year before he was promptly executed.  Now it's our time to wish everyone else the same.

Be safe and party responsibly, hoping for the best in 2007.  And by the best, we mean less of the same shit that happened pretty much from 2003-2006.  We can't fucking take it much more!

We honestly hope that you have a fantastic 2007 and you stick with us throughout the new year, during which time we will hopefully have an opportunity to be here more often.  We miss it.  And you.

 

Welcome to Christmas, We Are Borked
Topic: Housekeeping

Apparently the Jewish mafia (second in anger level only to the gay mafia - ed.) was angry enough with us to partly kill our site.  Not that we're on here that much, but you know, still...

Anyway, before we die completely, we wish everybody a Merry Christmas, as does Mr. Monkey here to the right.  We've had a pretty odd year all in all, but it's turned out pretty well.  Karma exacted some revenge on us for things we have done, and we whipped her lily ass just a bit and escaped from some things completely unharmed.

So Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy Festivus, and Horambie! (Kwanza thing) to you all.  Since we also probably won't make it back on here before New Years, we wish you a very safe and enjoyable 2007.  Be safe in whatever it is you do in the holiday season, and thanks for sticking around with us, even through the complete and total droughts.

We cannot die.  Kind of like Meat Loaf's music career.  Seriously, he just released Bat Out of Hell 3.  Who the hell would have thought that?

"The Man" Sucks, Wants to Keep Bloggers Down
Topic: Housekeeping

Quick note for all of you unfortunate fucking souls that don't get the day off to vaccuum your undersized apartments and drink cheap beer all day while attempting to find the latest exit poll information and drown yourself in political stupidity; exit pollers hate bloggers.

That's right.  We're not getting exit poll information until about 11:00AM CST, which means you'll be out of completely useless and probably falsified data until after your first smoke break of the day.  We, however, will be up at the crack of 10:00, since we have to restock the Natural Light and cigarettes before falling onto the couch for an all day blogathon (we made up a word!  hooray! - ed.) regarding political theory, current polls, and mostly Xbox.

But fear not, for when we figure out the information that has been passed to us on prison toilet paper, we will create a cypher that is easy for you, our blessed eight readers, to compile in your own brains.  If there's something you're looking for and we don't have it, check out Wonkette or Drudge Report.  The former is a noted left-leaning blog which gets better info than us, while the Drudge Report is fucking Matt Drudge, so draw your own conclusions.

Until tomorrow... 

Heart of Darko Reaches Planned Time of Extended Hiatus
Topic: Housekeeping

Unfortunately, it is time for us to announce that we at the Heart of Darko will be entering an extended hiatus on Monday, August 28.  During this period, there will be possible chances that we will be able to post, but they will come sporadically at best.

Our apologies to our readers (all eight of you - ed.), and we remind you that we're not dead and gone by any means.  Just on a break.  It's like saying we love you, but we're not in love with you.

 

Best,

Heart of Darko Mgmt.

No Posting Today
Topic: Housekeeping
Sorry for informing y'all too late, but there are a few personal things we need to deal with today who's severity outweighs this tiny little blip of the Internet.  See you maybe tomorrow.

Houston, We Have Technical Problems
Topic: Housekeeping

It's getting out of hand over here with the technical problems, which are all trying to get through the door at the same time like the Three Stooges.  Woop woop woop woop woop woop woop!

We've got it fixed, but if you're seeing an error message at the top of the page or it's taking five minutes to load the page, let us know, because we'll beat our IT howler monkey until he poops on the right harddrive and gets us fixed.

Friday Afternoon at the Heart of Darko
Topic: Housekeeping

Because we were unable to post this afternoon, we feel a need to explain this inaction.  So get ready for this story and to hate the City of Dallas.

Last night, we took a field trip with a friend to a local watering hole that has quickly become our favorite bar in Dallas.  After staying for roughly an hour and a half, we returned home, and soon realized that we were unable to get through our gate since we had forgotten our pass key.  So after parking our car outside on the street in a well lit area and making our way into our apartment, we discovered that one of our two interns (cats - ed.) had stolen the gate card.

The search took us a half hour until the key was found underneath our sofa.  Our junctular explosion of happiness was muted when we returned to where our car had been left and discovered that instead of a white Volvo sitting next to the curb, a police cruiser was in its place.

We had been towed.

The officer bluntly and in an asshole tone told us that our vehicle had been towed because we were within 25 feet of a fire hydrant.  Texas law states a car must be within 15 feet, and when we brought this up, he told us that the law had changed.  Angered, we went inside and went to sleep.

At 1:30PM today, we took a $20 cab ride to the Dallas impound, where our car was currently residing amidst the hunks of crap that had been left on the side of the road.  At 5:00, we finally got in our car and left the impound.  This was after standing in two lines multiple times because the women who worked behind the counter did not tell you the documentation you needed, and that when we took a trip out to our car to obtain our proof of insurance, we were required to to the back of the line.

Three and a half hours later, we were out $376 in towing and storage fees and were so enraged at our illegal towing and vehicle incarceration that we had no other recourse than to take a nap.  So we apologize for the lack of posting and will let you know what happens when we go to court on August 16 to dispute the illegal charge.

Because getting your car stolen sucks, but it blows even more when the people that stole it are the city where you live.

Bitches.

Guess What? Yeah, We Won't be Around Tomorrow Morning Either
Topic: Housekeeping

These are busy days for us this week, and unfortunately, posting has ground to a halt.  Also, we're having some nagging issues with links, photos and general formatting that need to be addressed, and by someone else who doesn't use the old "the problem will fix itself if I restart the computer" method of solving IT problems.

We should be back Thursday afternoon, but don't hold your breath.  Seriously, all it does is send more carbon monoxide to your lungs, so it's like smoking air, and everybody knows that's the real killer in this country. 

Delayed Posting Tomorrow
Topic: Housekeeping
Advanced warning for all eight of you that will be wondering why the hell we haven't posted anything by noon.  We'll be unavailable until mid-afternoon, so as soon as we return home from our mamogram (what? - ed.), posting will resume in its normal, sporadic pace.

Huzzah! Comments Work Perfectly!
Topic: Housekeeping

After a long time trying to figure out why only one or two people have ever not had their computers crash while attempting to comment here at HoD, we fixed the problem!  And by we, we mean Firefox.

So go ahead and comment away.  There aren't any invitations necessary, since our entire monthly readership equals one hour on Drudge Report, Gawker or Daily Kos (they get 180,000 hits an hour?  Jesus... - ed. it's a joke, dick), we're looking for some extra input.  The link to comment is hidden in the bottom right corner of each post and all yours to use as you see fit.  Or not.

Either way at least we can say every function on this site works.  Except for embedded videos, which believe us, we're working on.

The Jalopnik Drinking Game! A Lesson in Self Promotion from HoD
Topic: Housekeeping

We have never been big fans of self promotion (are you kidding? - ed.), and as many of you know, Jalopnik is one of our top favorite blogs to visit throughout the day.  We are also very proud of their editors, namely Ray Wert and Davey G. Johnson, for consistently getting on television, with Ray appearing on the CNBC program On The Money and Davey showing up on the G4 network show Filter this past Friday.

But because of a dare from Davey early last Thursday, we happened to create a drinking game that for some reason On The Money decided they would put in their bonus, and now Jalopnik has thrown the video up online.  So thank you to the fellas at the Jalop and everyone at On The Money for proving that drinking can not only be dangerous to your health, your wallet, your relationship and your arrest record, but it can also be fun.

EDIT: Since it's been requested, we're dropping the link to the Jalopnik story about this massive event in our personal history.  Never before have we, as one of the commentors on the Jalop noted, created pop culture.  Now bring on our inclusion in the next version of Trivial Pursuit!

 

JALOPNIK  

YOUTUBE via JALOPNIK 

ORIGINAL CAR PUNDIT DRINKING GAME 

 

We Fixed Us!
Topic: Housekeeping
Well, we found out that our massive failure today was a combination of  improperly installed, over-complicated blogging software and our AT&T DSL deciding that we deserved to have the connectivity of a 34k modem from 1995.  This is all fixed and we're now good to go, so we'll see you tomorrow for some news related stylings and the like.  Sleep well!

Severe Technical Problems
Topic: Housekeeping

Obviously, by this point you might have noticed something is wrong. We have to post this wirelessly to let you know that the new blogging software we installed has created pure mayhem with the site, so we're gonna have to figure this out and get back to you. Sorry, and pray.

They Can't Kill Us!
Topic: Housekeeping

 

Ladies and gents, we apologize for yesterday's ghost town appearance here.  SBC decided that our DSL line should resemble a dial up modem from 1994, so we were unable to log in to our account, check email, look up porn and pretty much do anything.  But no more!  We're back today with a great new DSCC email and probably some other stuff.  So let's get to it...

Pygmies Have Infected Our Computer
Topic: Housekeeping

Honestly we aren't even sure if this message will make it out, but the pygmies that have long been held at bay by our server's spinning fan have managed to wedge a tiny pebble inside of it, thus halting it from its security duties and allowing them to run amok on our site.

Only one of the five posts we have attempted to make today have made it online, so until we are able to stab every little one of these little buggers with fondue forks, we're going to be down. It's not a ten count, but it's nearing a standing eight, so we better get on it.

We've Returned, and We'll be Back Tomorrow
Topic: Housekeeping

Our morning excursion ran late, and since we're covered in dust and dried horse crap, we're gonna take a shower, apply aloe to our burned neck, and retreat to the safety and security of our favorite chair to recover and rehydrate. See you guys tomorrow, when we'll have a new DSCC email update (from John Edwards, no less! - ed.) and your normal amount of idiotic Friday news.