Damn You Writer's Strike! No New 24 until 2009
Topic: Entertainment

After successfully completing and mind-numbing and horrendous day at work, we sat down at our desk in our tiny Hobbit-hole to being the frantic Intertubes search for some good news.  Instead, we started chugging straight from the bottle of bitters that sat next to us as we read this news:

THERE WILL BE NO NEW EPISODES OF 24 UNTIL 2009.

RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRR!

While we, as fellow (amateur) writers, supported the WGA's strike that took down many a decent and even more crap shows over the past few months, the only casuality that we will mourn is the loss of a new season of 24.

Sure, it'll be back in 11 months (eleven.  ELEVEN.  Suck our ass WGA - ed.), but who else can we watch that will reliably kneecap at least two people per hour other than Jack Bauer?  You sure can't get that type of entertainment from The Moment of Truth.   Grrrrrrrrr...

 

MSN TV 

Why We Like Roger Ebert, as Explained by Roger Ebert
Topic: Entertainment

We have been very large fans of the writings, musings, and critiques of film critic and author Roger Ebert since we first learned of his wonderful job that we were briefly able to inhabit while in college.  He was smart, funny, didn't mince words that he was entertained by a movie that many other critics, by in large, loathed, and always showed a reason why he's a Pulitzer Prize-winning journo.

So we've been disheartened in these last couple of years as he has hit a few walls with various illnesses that have taken our dear teddy bear movie buff away from us.  Now, Roger Ebert proves why we like him, something that we've never been able to outright put our finger on; the dude has courage and integrity.  All while making us laugh.

So let’s talk turkey. What will I look like? To paraphrase a line from “Raging Bull,” I ain’t a pretty boy no more. (Not that I ever was. The original appeal of “Siskel & Ebert” was that we didn’t look like we belonged on TV.)

What happened was, cancer of the salivary gland spread to my right lower jaw. A segment of the mandible was removed. Two operations to replace the missing segment were unsuccessful, both leading to unanticipated bleeding.

A tracheostomy was necessary so, for the time being, I cannot speak. I make do with written notes and a lot of hand waving and eye-rolling. The doctors now plan an approach that does not involve the risk of unplanned bleeding. If all goes well, my speech will be restored.

So when I turn up in Urbana, I will be wearing a gauze bandage around my neck, and my mouth will be seen to droop. So it goes.

Continued:

At least, not being able to speak, I am spared the need to explain why every film is “overlooked,” or why I wrote “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.”

Being sick is no fun. But you can have fun while you’re sick. I wouldn’t miss the festival for anything!

P.S. to gossip rags: I have some back pain, and to make it easier for me to sit through screenings, the festival has installed my very own La-Z-Boy chair.

Photos of me in the chair should be captioned “La-Z-Critic.”

See?  This is a real optimistic spirit.  Fights off cancer, strokes, and other various horrific illnesses mutliple times, and goes right back to entertaining us.  Thank you Roger Ebert, for proving your worth yet again to those that will listen.  Hopefully more people will start paying attention and grow from your example.

 

CHICAGO SUN-TIMES 

 

Attention Remaining NYC 24 Fans Who Might be Stopping By Here!
Topic: Entertainment

Do you like the TV show 24?  Do you secretly harbor a longing that you might be queer for Jack Bauer, the uber-masculine character from the show?  Do you live in New York City?  Do you like getting drunk for free?

Then for god's sake, stop by the bar Professor Toms on Mondays at 9:00EST to watch the show.  Because everytime Jack kills someone on the show, which happens pretty much every ten minutes, you get a free Kamikaze shot.  Not enough for you?  Fine, you greedy fuck.  Professor Toms is also offering free Saporo sake bombs when someone besides Jack defies an order or a main character dies.

That should put some spring in your step as you walk home, waiting for the local bum to get a little over zealous so that you can knee cap him with your piece.  Because everybody in NYC has guns, right?

 

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR 

24 Set to Blow up America with Nuclear Weapons? Sure, Why Not
Topic: Entertainment

As our favorite television show of all time kicks into gear again, 24 has decided to slap down any thoughts about what direction the show will take in its still-young season by introducing nuclear weapons going off in tonight's continuation of the show's four-hour season intro.  Or are they?

According to Drudge Report (always a reliable source - ed.), 24's producers decided to "wake up America" to the possibility that this could happen, as low yield nukes will be brought ot light on the show, with a successful strike against the country.

It's okay though, readers, because we have faith in Jack Bauer.  Jack has never let us down before, so we're sure he's going to stop this from happening.  We mean shit, he already ripped a dude's throat out with his teeth last night.  That's some serious stuff.

 

DRUDGE REPORT 

The HoD Pre-Christmas To Do Guide - Watch an Old Man Get His Brains Bashed In
Topic: Entertainment

Are you as tired of Christmas as we are?  Granted, we work for a company that has been playing holiday music 24 hours a day (no... seriously - ed.) since the day before Halloween, so that's an unfair question.  However, we know that many of you just want to get this over with and move on with the drudgery of 2007.

We present to you Rocky Balboa, the sixth and final Rocky film, which comes out nearly two decades after the abysmal Rocky V, which still makes us want to punch a baby everytime we think about it.

The newest film opened today, and currently sits at a 76 percent fresh rating over at Rotten Tomatoes, a rare feat for any sports movie, much less any sports movie starring Sylvester Stallone.  Actually, it's outrageously rare for any movie starring Stallone.  After all, he was in Judge Dredd.  Even though we liked Judge Dredd.  We have very poor taste.

So go enjoy Rocky Balboa before tormenting your parents with your stories of being drunk and failing at life.  That's what we're gonna do.

Colbert Report Lands Two Words on TV's Most Popular Buzzwords of '06 List
Topic: Entertainment

Congratulations go out to Comedy Central's brilliant The Colbert Report, for adding another notch on their belt of creating satire.  Both "truthiness" and Wikiality" have been added to TV's most popular buzzwords by the Global Language Monitor, which also added "Dr. McDreamy" and "Katie" to their list this year.  Because we're all about pop culture (until it gets annoying - ed.), definitions are as follows:

Truthiness - Truth unencumbered by the facts

Wikiality - From Wikipedia, meaning reality as determined by majority vote

Dr. McDreamy - A "dreamboat" physician, originally used in Grey's Anatomy

Katie - Leaving what made you popular for more money and publicity, i.e. Katie Couric going to CBS

So there you are, dear readers.  Use at your leisure, and remember that these words will get annoying over time.  We're off again, so until we know when we'll be back, keeping checking up, because your hits keep us alive!

 

REUTERS 

Alcoholism All the Rage in Hollywood; Claims Mork from Ork
Topic: Entertainment

After months of reading how every actor and actress in Hollywood is stumbling with alcohol abuse, from Lindsay Hohan's constant partying to Mel Gibson's drunken ant-Jew tirade (thanks for bringing back the phrase "sugar tits" Mel! - ed.), the delicious substance has taken another one of LaLa Land's favorites: Mr. Robin Williams.

Williams struggled with drugs and alcohol early in his career and has since been on the clean streak, but the actor/comedian has checked himself into rehab after hitting another rough patch.

While his publicist says that he's not an alcoholic and has just found himself drinking more lately, he's decided to be proactive and get help early on.  If Williams were not turning out serious fare now, we'd be all for him to continue to drink, as he was a lot funnier in the early 80s when you had no idea what he was doing on stage but it was absolutely uproarious.  But good luck Robin, and get back to making good movies, instead of crap like RV.

 

AP 

Mel Gibson Might be Suicidal, Stupidly Asks Help From Jewish Community
Topic: Entertainment

In the aftermath of his drunken driving, Jew-bashing weekend in Malibu, Mel Gibson has already tried to correct his behavior in the midst of reports of his suicidal thoughts and anti-Semitic past.  Now, Mad Mel has decided it's time to reach out to the Jewish community, but this time without reaching with a rope or flaming torch and instead with compassion.

“There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-Semitic remark,” Gibson said in the statement.  "Please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith.”

Wait a second.  Isn't Mel a Catholic?  Isn't that one of their founding doctrines?

Mel has now checked himself into rehab and is looking for help from the Jewish community during his time of need, most likely so he won't get blacklisted and have to make Lethal Weapon 5 to pay the bills.  Because that would suck, and nobody wants to see that.

 

MSNBC 

Pink Floyd Founder Syd Barrett Taken Away to Magical Land of LSD at Age 60
Topic: Entertainment

Pink Floyd founder Syd Barrett, who famously left the band, being replaced by David Gilmour before the band's massive hit "Dark Side of the Moon," died a few days ago of unknown complications. He had been a diabetic for years.

Barrett had a history of mental illness that was heightened by his massive acid use, and spent the last couple of decades as a recluse. He will be missed throughout the rock and roll community, whom he influenced greatly in his singing, song-writing and guitar style. Rest in peace Syd Barrett. We hear God's got some pretty good stuff for you to try.


AP

Entourage's Biggest Fake Opening of All Time Can't Beat Johnny Depp
Topic: Entertainment

Much was made in the first two episodes of the third season of Entourage about James Cameron's Aquaman beating Spiderman as the biggest opening ever by raking in $116 million. So much for that fantasy. Now, Pirates of the Caribbean 2 absolutely crushed this by hauling in a massive $132 million, making Johnny Depp the biggest drunken, odd, careening movie star on the planet, meaning no one will ever call him Edward Scissorhands again.

Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow also beat the crap out of the Man of Steel, as Superman's total take so far only has hit $147 million, despite costing $200 million to make. Yep. Paramount wet themselves this morning.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Have a Happy and Safe 4th of July Weekend!
Topic: Entertainment

Everyone go and enjoy yourselves this long weekend during your 4th of July exploits! Be safe with your alcohol consumption and don't fall of your boats! If you have Monday off, enjoy the four day weekend, and if not, just think that everyone is sleeping off hangovers and at least you're being productive. We're our own bosses here, so there's no reason for us to even think about posting again until Wednesday the 5th. Enjoy this video (granted, it's from New Years 2005, but it still works - ed.) with firecrackers galore, and once again, be safe!

German Hookers Pissed at Lack of World Cup Business
Topic: Entertainment

When the 2006 World Cup rolled into Germany, the sex workers were primed. Vaginas were clean enough to, gulp, eat off of and everything except the head was waxed. But now, the hookers, strippers and dominatrices are pissed, because World Cup fans have driven off the regulars and stayed away themselves, choosing to celebrate or mope in public, rather than in houses of ill repute.

"The pent-up sexual demand of horny fans from around the world which has been widely anticipated has not materialized at all," said Karolina Leppert, president of Germany's association for sexual service providers BSD. "Business is pretty dead, even the regulars stay away because of all the crowds and the hype."

Man, when the President of your nation's Hooker Association is saying it's bad, you know it's a rough time. Good thing Leppert is a dominatrix, but her next john better be prepared to sleep on his stomach for a while, because his back and ass are gonna be messed up.


REUTERS

Hooray! 24 Will be a TV Show and Movie!
Topic: Entertainment

Our love for all things Jack Bauer and 24 is well known. Much like an illicit drug addict, we attempt to get others around us to feed into our addiction, and now the entire world will see why. Creator and genius Joel Surnow has just inked a deal that will bring 24 to the big screen, which could possibly see the end of the series.

Or not, since Surnow hasn't even written the script yet. Ratings were up 14 percent for the fifth season, which just ended, and helped the series gain a sixth, seventh and eighth season from Fox. Surnow said the film will most likely be shot in between work on the sixth and seventh season and will probably see the end of the real time format that has made the show famous.

No word on whether or not this will be greatest movie ever, but we're RSVPing "yes."


REUTERS

Mickey Rourke a Bush Fan? It's True
Topic: Entertainment

Tough guy actor Mickey Rourke, lately of Sin City and Domino, has come out to President Bush's side, saying he supports the Pres in his Iraq campaign. The only reason we report this is because we never thought we'd ever say the name Mickey Rourke in a sentence with President Bush.

"George is doing a hell of a job during very difficult times, more power to him. Screw all them people who don't like him."

This makes us wonder if Bush has ever watched 9 1/2 Weeks, which makes us kind of nauseous.


CONTACT MUSIC

Batwoman's Gay; No Word Yet About Robin
Topic: Entertainment

The Batwoman series of comic books has returned, this time with the character being a 5'10" socialite lesbian. Naturally, issues are selling in NYC like hot cakes.

"We decided to give her a different point of view," explained Dan DiDio, vice president and executive editor at DC. "We wanted to make her a more unique personality than others in the Bat-family. That's one of the reasons we went in this direction."

Yes, well, making her a lesbian is certainly a new direction. Characters from the old comic series with Batwoman are now turning up as lesbians as well, so we're just waiting until the other shoe drops and Robin gets his own book as a drag queen night club owner/creature of the night with a penchant for beating men with colored rubber whips. Sounds like a blast.


AP

Your Conflicting Evening of Entertainment Continues; 24 Season Finale
Topic: Entertainment

Can't wait for five good hours of basketball to start? Ha! Wait up chump. The season finale of the best show on TV, 24, is tonight... starting at 7:00PM CST and going for two hours straight. Two hours of straight up Jack Bauer ass kickery, and you've got thw choice between that and two of the greatest NBA series in recent history.

Uh oh.

Don't have Tivo? Better have two TVs like we do set up side by side so you don't miss a moment of either. Oh God, why must you give us these impossible choises?


TWENTY-FUCKING-FOUR

Faith The Biped Dog Hits Montel's Show
Topic: Entertainment

Ever seen a dog with two legs? Ever seen a dog with two hind legs? Now have you ever seen that dog walk like a human on those hind legs? You will after watching this clip from The Montel Williams Show. Absolutely incredible.



P.S. - We found this over in the North American Subaru Impreza Owners Club "Off Topic" forums. So thanks to the NASIOC OT, but we wouldn't recommend staying around there too long. Those guys are crazy.

Keifer Sutherland vs. a Christmas Tree
Topic: Entertainment

Mostly due to 24, we're big Keifer Sutherland fans. So we laughed our asses off when heard of him taking down a Christmas tree in a swanky London hotel while wasted. Well, thanks to a new documentary starring Jack Bauer (as well as the good chaps at Defamer - ed.), we have the video of the Christmas Tree takedown.

Enjoy.

Howard Stern to Stay With Sirius Radio, Off of Terrestrial; Thank God
Topic: Entertainment

Yesterday we reported that Howard Stern was thinking of coming back to terrestrial radio and simulcast his show. Today he has said that he will not.

"I'm very flattered terrestrial radio can't let go of me," Stern said on his morning radio show. "But I would throw up if I had to go back. I'm never going back. The story is I wouldn't do it (terrestrial radio) for any reason. Not for money. I left because I couldn't stand the censorship. I couldn't stand" the Federal Communications Commission.

Then Stern took a jab at Opie & Anthony, who simulcast their show on Howard's old radio network, CBS (ha! - ed.), and on XM satellite radio. Stern said the reason they do their simulcast is because they failed in satellite radio, even though they have their own channel dedicated to their show. So now it's down to slap-fighting satellites. Great, this is gonna make some great radio. Break new ground, Howard, break new ground, you twat.


MSN TV NEWS

Warhol Soup Can Painting Sets Record at $11.8 Million; Tonight, We Paint a Can of Beans
Topic: Entertainment

Andy Warhol is a fantastic wacko, full of odd ideas and creative artistic something or other that cannot be called talent. His Andy Warhol's Frankenstein is one of the worst horror movies ever made. His hair is obnoxious, he's an odd dresser, but the man knew how to paint a can of Campbell's soup.

Now, Warhol's "Pepper Pot" painting from that series has set a record at auction where it sold for $11.8 million. Says auction house Christie's, who sold the piece:

The painting "registers the passage of time and conveys a preoccupation with degradation, exuding destruction and frailty."

Or it's a can of fucking soup with a torn label. It doesn't have a "preoccupation" with degradation. It can't have a preoccupation with anything. It's fucking soup! It's a thing, not a human!

See, this is why we're not famous artists. Not because we lack the talent, but we lack the bullshit excuse to give when someone asks us what the bowl of fruit stands for.


BREITBART