Topic: Housekeeping
As any of you who have stopped by here in any recent moment undoubtedly has noticed, The Heart of Darko is closed for business. Is it permanent, you ask?
Yes.
This was a wonderful waste of time, and all of the staff enjoyed our little rays of sunshine and trite words. Our accomplishments are so large, only a very patient mother could love them.
In October 2004, two weeks before the presidential election, we enjoyed 140,000 unique visitors in one day, thanks to a tip from a dear reader that led to us breaking an election story no one had latched onto yet. We were one of Tripod's most popular political news blogs in the second half of 2004 as well, and actually were able to even make a little bit of money from the endeavor.
Following the election, loyal readers saw a change in our direction, moving towards news that had fallen through the cracks. Animals vs. Humans became a smash hit for us. We were also thanked by Kinky Friedman's Texas gubernatorial campaign staff in 2006, and were very happy to help Mr. Friedman. May he run again and win in 2010.
And lastly, as a staff of writers, both amateur and professional, we were equally proud to assist in a boycot and nationwide petition of one James Frey, who deceived not only the nation, but the mighty Oprah Winfrey, with his little "memoir."
So we thank you all for reading continually. This site will remain active (for free, thanks to the ads above this post) as an archive for all to see. We would like to think that our writing, passion, and knowledge has grown since the inception of this monstrosity. We have also attempted to swear less with each continued post, goddammit.
The staff of The Heart of Darko wishes you all the best. And remember, when life gets you down and things begin to seem too complicated, you could always be cleaning a sewer in Prague. Made you feel better, didn't we?
All the best,
The editorial staff of The Heart of Darko.
Well, we don't really see a huge, late-night swing about to take place, so we're gonna go ahead and call this thing for Barack Obama. Reasoning? We don't care at this moment, and would rather sit down and play Grand Theft Auto IV.
As you have now heard, the entire world lost a great person today in the form of Paul Newman. One of America's greatest screen stars and one of the world's best philanthropists passed away last night after a long battle with lung cancer.
Today, we say goodbye to great comedian Bernie Mac, who passed away last night from complications of pneumonia at the age of 50. We recognize the greatness of Bernie Mac with our favorite line of his from any movie, the 2005 idiot-fest Transformers.
41-year-old jackass 
We decided enough was enough, and we couldn't take it anymore. So we're back for another smattering of political polls regarding the upcoming Presidential election. You may ask yourself what took us so long. It's easy.
Police in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, have decided that you no longer possess the right to shoot your own property. While drunk. With an illegal weapon.
While we at Heart of Darko do not usually take joy in those who have or are about to pass away, this is a true exception.
After successfully completing and mind-numbing and horrendous day at work, we sat down at our desk in our tiny Hobbit-hole to being the frantic Intertubes search for some good news. Instead, we started chugging straight from the bottle of bitters that sat next to us as we read this news:
The mass media has a certain way of drawing our attention in. While we stopped watching television news years ago (even before Kouric pooped herself onto CBS - ed), we still get all of our news daily from the Internet tubes. It is, after all, the new mass media. Instant news with the possibility of enticing opinion columns and splashy headlines.
Back during college, we picked up golf again during the warm Texas summers. Our long drives had not disappeared, but our short game suffered, and we wound up playing like absolute crap most of the time. Of course, consuming a beer a hole really made the 18th a bitch to even get near.
So our girlfriend got us an awesome Christmas gift (it's a decanter that we filled with Jack Daniels... totally kick ass - ed.), and now we're ruining it as quickly as possible. Our stupid hands can't keep up with our need, nay, necessity to text message our friends and send them horrificly vulgar notes of a happy new year.
Okay, if any story could bring this site out of semi-retirement, it's this one. After an angry fan posed to Cambodian Midget Fighting League President Yang Sihamoni that his entire league could be beaten by one lion, President Yang gladly accepted, attempting to prove the fan wrong.
We at The Heart of Darko wish you and yours a Merry Christmas! We promised to be back in more power this year, adn failed miserably at this, so we can only wish you and all of your loved ones a very happy holiday season.
You thought we forgot. Happy Festivus everyone! We once again have up our aluminum pole (no Christmas tree this year... damn cats - ed.), completely undecorated, just as Frank Costanza laid down in the original rules.
Oh the undisputed irony of watching Ocean's Thirteen at the exact moment when Don Cheadle walks into Pacino's office dressed as an Evel Knievel clone and opening Fox Sports only to read that the greatest daredevil of all time has passed away at the age of 69.
Okay, so this makes the last two rare updates about people dying, but they have both been important ones.
Is Fidel Castro dead? Did he suffer a glorious lack of life that was spread evenly troughout his body? That's the word on the grapevine. There will supposedly be a press conference soon announcing the Cuban dictator's death.
Japanese master eater Kobayashi watched his reign of 5 straight Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest Championships end as Californian Joey Chestnut took down not only his own record, but the Japanese Stomach to emerge as the 2007 winner, as well as the owner of the world record for most hot dogs eaten in 12 minutes.