Topic: Housekeeping
Happy Fourth of July everybody! It's time for you to blow off all of your responsibilities (but feed your damn kids! - ed.) and drink copious amounts of cheap American beer while eating more hot dogs than Kobayashi and attempting to destroy pieces of your country with as many Chinese-made fireworks as possible.
Be safe in your revelry, and remember that our founding fathers did not create our country for you to smash with your car while drunk. We would prefer you hid your keys from yourself and wound up like the dude to the right.
Posted by James
at 11:38 AM CDT
We have been very large fans of the writings, musings, and critiques of film critic and author Roger Ebert since we first learned of his wonderful job that we were briefly able to inhabit while in college. He was smart, funny, didn't mince words that he was entertained by a movie that many other critics, by in large, loathed, and always showed a reason why he's a Pulitzer Prize-winning journo.
With today's news that CBS has shit-canned legendary asshead Don Imus for calling the Rutger's women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos," which will soon join our lexicon along with Mel Gibson's "Sugar-tits," it is a happy day for those of us (hey, like us! - ed.) who have never been fans of the radio jackass. Then again, it's also a sad day because free speech is dying. That and we have to talk about Al Sharpton again.
More than a year after they were arrested for the possible rape of a young stripper who showed up to a team party, all charges have been dropped against the three Duke lacrosse players who were the center of the investigation, with the Attorney General of North Carolina cramming his cock down the throat of original case prosecutor Mike Nifong.
A quite bombed woman in Sylvania, Alabama, was arrested for taking a booze-soaked midnight horse ride through downtown, before being stopped by a police officer and attempting to use the horse as a battering ram on his police cruiser.
Do you like the TV show 24? Do you secretly harbor a longing that you might be queer for Jack Bauer, the uber-masculine character from the show? Do you live in New York City? Do you like getting drunk for free?
Bringing back our Animals vs. Humans segment from months back, we turn today to Michigan, where dogs have figured out a way to stop men and women from having legitimate children to carry on the male's names; eat their wedding jewelry.
A Maine high school basketball coach was fired after telling his players during halftime of a tough game that the outcome would depend on "who had the biggest dick in town." After his comment, he told them to "check your manhood" by reaching into their shorts and grabbing their junk.
A woman who just could not seem to get her head out of winning the ability to pay her phone bill at the Resorts Atlantic City casino plopped a baby out on the floor beneath her stool, never breaking her stride on the penny slots. The woman reportedly told paramedics and onlookers that she thought the labor pains were just bad gas. Fucking eww.
Before we get to the meat and potatoes of this story, we wish to share our worst moment of blind date humiliation. After meeting a girl via the local college internet messaging program (first clue right there - ed.), we agreed to meet up with a girl who had sent us pictures of a quite attractive girl in a prom dress. We did just that, and realized that the pictures of said girl in the dress, while certainly our blind date at one point in her life, we probably about five years old and that this particular model of female had gained a minimum of 40 pounds and a healthy variety of scars and various uglification to her facial area.
So we already 
The Iraqi judge overseeing the hanging of convicted mass murderer Saddam Hussein has announced that the deposed dictator will be strung up by the neck no later than this Saturday, insuring that Saddam will not be able to ring in 2007. The announcement has brought tons of cheers from the Iraqis and Americans, while some are wondering if the violence in the mess of a country will ramp up after Saddam's neck cracks.
Apparently the Jewish mafia (second in anger level only to the gay mafia - ed.) was angry enough with us to partly kill our site. Not that we're on here that much, but you know, still...
That's right people. It's time to get the pole out of the crawl space and throw away your tinsel, because Festivus is a mere two days away. Or one day, depending on your concept of time and how you count and... now we've lost our train of thought.
Are you as tired of Christmas as we are? Granted, we work for a company that has been playing holiday music 24 hours a day (no... seriously - ed.) since the day before Halloween, so that's an unfair question. However, we know that many of you just want to get this over with and move on with the drudgery of 2007.
People of the Jewish faith kick off their eight day"festival of lights" tonight and light the first candle of their home-burning eight-armed octopus of death otherwise known as a manora. While we have once attempted to read the Jewish Tanak before passing out in a pool of whisky vomit and half-eaten McRibs, we don't pretend to know either jack or shit about Hanukkah, or Chanukkah, or whatever it's called.
Just because we found this interesting as Dallas Cowboys fans, we're going to let this one out.