Topic: Animals vs. Humans
Bringing back our Animals vs. Humans segment from months back, we turn today to Michigan, where dogs have figured out a way to stop men and women from having legitimate children to carry on the male's names; eat their wedding jewelry.
A pit bull decided that now was the time to fight back, chowing down on a $5,000 wedding band. Its owners, however, realized his plan and made the treacherous beast hurl up the ring.
"I did have a dog eat a watch once," said Dr. Linda Fung of the Country Creek Animal Hospital. "Animals swallow a lot of stuff. It's not an unusual thing. We just made her throw it up."
We have currently read this story to both of our cats and our dog in an attempt to show them that they cannot stop our procreation. But for eighty dollars and a knife cut, we can stop theirs. Take that, dogs!
Apparently the animals involved in the multi-pronged attack against the human race have large amounts of money at their disposal, as a team of researchers and scientists are beginning to experiement with crossing bunny and human DNA to create a hybrid embryo. If this is successful, it is only a short period of time before the six foot tall evil rabbit from Donnie Darko becomes real and eats us all. 
The Heart of Darko's Animals vs. Humans series continues today as a report has surfaced from California which tells of violent squirrel attacks on people in the past months. These unprovoked acts of violence have risen to a fever pitch in Mountain View, Cali., where a small boy was acosted by a furry rodent last week, bringing the total of attacks to a "fingers and toes" counting method. And with the recent loss of animal expert Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin at the hands of a sting ray assassin, the world is now looking for a new hero to rise up and quell this rapidly growing series of violence against humans. 
A rare albino set of Pygmy Marmoset monkeys has been born at a zoo in Sweden, ushering in a new era of monkey fear. At only 35cm long and 100 grams in weight, the tiny little bastards can easily crawl through a nose, ear, mouth, or, god help us all, anus, and take your body down from the inside while the pandas, otters, alligators, raccoons, snakehead fish and fish with human teeth wage war on your head, arms and ankles.
Washington state is reeling after a sudden rise in attacks by a species of violent, rabid raccoons, which have claimed 10 cats, one dog and a woman's arm in the recent past.
While we were rummaging through the awful events of our world in The Dallas Morning News while sitting on the can, we discovered probably the funniest story of the day, that we have yet to find on the Web. So because of the absolute ridiculous hilarity of the story, we're going to type it here for your reading pleasure.
Our animal alert mode has been set off since the Snakehead fish first came into our peripheral. Then the bass with the human-like teeth was caught shortly before panda bears started to produce offspring like never before. Now otters, those lovable little water mammals who do the cute human things with their hands, have joined these other three monsters and are going after us as well, taking out our first level of protection; our guard dogs.
Three different panda births in the past three days have raised alarm in mostly us, worrying that the stupid bears have finally figured out how to reproduce and will soon have armys powerful enough to break free of their human captors and run amok across the globe, destroying croplands and caging humans in some weird Panet of the Bears society.
Nearly 200 people were admitted to area hospitals Wednesday to receive treatment for spider bites by the Yellow Sac, which have the ability to transmit a horrible flesh-eating disease. Now, Vienna authorities have put a bounty on every spider that its citizens kill, with as much as a $250 reward for bringing in the evil little shits, which enjoy attacking people while they sleep.
For those of you that live in Montana, far away from the hustle, bustle and danger of the big cities and coasts, you now have something to fear besides an errant cow in the middle of your (dirt) road; alligators.