Wonkette's Election Night Drinking Game!
Topic: Embarrassment

We've been creating enough drinking games lately with meteoric popularity (you be quiet... people liked it! - ed.), so now we've decided for tonight's drunken election results debauchery to steal a drinking game from the good alcoholics over at Wonkette.

While this game is a bit short and quite interactive, considering that you must be using both the Internet and the boob tube, it's a good one nonetheless.  So drink up, friends, and remember that election results aren't in until 7:00PM, so don't feel bad when coverage at 6:00 doesn't really show much of anything. 

Take a hit when:

• DailyKos makes a crazy fraud accusation.
• Rick Santorum shows up on TV for no apparent reason.
• Katie Couric mispronounces a U.S. state name.
• Chris Matthews’ spittle becomes visible to the home audience.
• A black voter is interviewed about not getting to vote.

And then we get serious, after the jump.

Take two sips when:

• The Corner makes an even crazier fraud accusation.
• Matt Drudge calls it for Republicans.
• First liberal blogger of the night says he’s moving to Canada.
• GOP incumbent claims Republicans “control spending.”

Take a shot when:

• Tim Russert’s goddamned sketch-board first appears.
• Wonkette editor Alex Pareene makes a vulgar gesture while CNN “checks in with the bloggers.”
• George Allen concedes.
• Weary Fox News commentator accuses Democrats of wanting to “Cut and Paste.”
• Kinky Friedman wins.
• Things are so blurry that you can’t tell Brian Williams and Tom Brokaw apart.
• Bush tries to concede.

Lightning Round:

• Brit Hume weeps on-air: Entire bottle of champagne, one Xanax.
• Jack Cafferty punches Wolf Blitzer in the mouth: Three shots of bourbon, vomit on remote.
• Katherine Harris wins: Have a “Crying Jesus” — two rails of meth and then give your Republican neighbor a blowjob.
• Exit polls completely “wrong,” GOP actually keeps the House and Senate and most governorships: Bottle of absinthe, pack of Camels, shoot dog.

You've got mere hours left, and don't forget about campaign parties in your neighborhood.  Our friend Goldfinger will be here tonight with us to attempt to dual-blog this hooker to death and probably end up playing a lot of videogames after we lose interest.

 

WONKETTE 

Researchers Finally Prove Drinking Helps Your Wallet
Topic: Embarrassment

Are you tired of people at work telling you that you drink too much at happy hours and that you're ruining your life?  Screw em.  You'll end up with more in the bank.

Researchers at San Jose State University have discovered that social drinkers become better at networking and are more apt to receive promotions and raises due to their unique "skills."

"Social drinking builds social capital," said Edward Stringham, an economics professor at San Jose State University and co-author of the study with fellow researcher Bethany Peters.

"Social drinkers are out networking, building relationships, and adding contacts to their BlackBerries that result in bigger paychecks."

While it's easy to prove that in a group of friends, the ones that drink are most likely to talk to new people (chicks - ed.), for a long time everyone assumed their worth was less because of all the money they spend on booze.  Now we drunkards can officially respond to questions of why we're drunk with a proper answer; we're trying to network... into some chick's pants.

 

AFP via YAHOO! 

 

Owner of Hitler-Monikered Eatery to Change Name
Topic: Embarrassment

The owner of the restaurant "Hitler's Cross" in Bombay, India, has announced that he will indeed change the name toease tension caused by his attempt to get more publicity, which worked well considering that even penny-ante little crapsites like ours reported on this yesterday.

"He realized he made a mistake and listened to reason," said Elijah Jacob, a community leader. "Some people have wrong conceptions of history and he realized it was not appropriate."

What is interesting about the building and name is that the swastica that appears on the sign is actually an old Hindu symbol that is said to bring good luck to all who pass under it.  Then that bitch Adolf Hitler started to kill Jews while wearing it on his lapel, so it kind of lost that meaning.  Good choice, Indian restauranteur.  You don't want Hizbollah to start eating there regularly, and you certianly don't want them to give it five stars in their anti-Jew edition of Zagat's.

 

AP via YAHOO! 

Kid Might be in Serious Trouble for Meowing at Neighbor
Topic: Embarrassment

A 78-year-old woman has filed a harassment suit against her 14-year-old neighbor for meowing at her everytime he sees her.  The judge has had such a hard time deciding whether or not meowing is indeed a form of harassment that she has put off her ruling for 90 days in order to figure things out.

The story goes back to when the boy's family agreed to give away their cat because of the old bag was bitching that it was using her flower garden as a litter box.  The boy admits to meowing at her twice, but the witch has testified that he does it non-stop and apparently that's annoying.

 

AP via YAHOO! 

Girl Scouts of America Using Installment Plan for Cookie Nonpayers
Topic: Embarrassment

The most embarrassing thing that one can possibly have happen to oneself would be to have an army of pint-sized girls with berets and pigtails serving you lawsuit papers to your door because you did not pay for the cookies that you bought.

Welcome to the peronal hell of 12 residents of Akron, Ohio, who learned that the Scouts are unwilling to eat the cost of the cookies that were unpaid for (did you get the pun?  did you!?! - ed.), some totaling as much as, wait for it... $3,500.00.

The loser who owes $3,500 has agreed to a $100 a month payment plan and swears that the cookies she bought were for others to sell, and not for her own fat fucking ass.  Even though we don't believe that shit for a second.

 

MSNBC 

Doberman Guard Dog Hates Teddy Bears, Especially Elvis's
Topic: Embarrassment

A doberman guard dog that was supposed to have been protecting a plethora of rare teddy bears went on a massive killing spree in London, destroying multiple stuffed bears, including a $75,000 1909 Steif bear named Mabel that had been previously owned and prized by Elvis Presley.

The dog ended up mauling $900,000 worth of bears before his handler, Greg West, was able to wrestle the miscreant pooch to the ground after minutes of chasing him around and attempting to stop the utter destruction.  As you can see from the photo to the right, the devastation was horrible, with stuffing and fur flung about.

This is more proof that if you leave a dog in the vicinity of anything that's stuffed for too long, their natural instincts will kick in soon enough and wonton killing will begin.

 

AP 

Woman Old Enough to Drink Arrested for Identity Theft After Being Carded by Real ID Owner
Topic: Embarrassment

We can understand the reasoning behind a minor wanting to use a stolen identification card; you can drink legally.  But whenever you are over the age of 21 and pretending to be someone else, either everything is not quite right up there or you've got some serious criminal problems going on with your real self.

Such was the case with 23-year-old Maria Bergan of Westlake, Ohio, who was arrested for identity theft and receiving stolen property after being carded at the bar where she stole the ID and a credit card from the waitress who was carding her.

Ms. Bergan soon realized that something was afoot when the waitress did not immediately return with her identification card after calling it in to the police, so she took off.  However, she has shitty friends, who ratted her out instantly to the fuzz.  This is another case of proving that sometimes people are stupid, and sometimes people are retarded.  This case is firmly grounding in the latter.

 

AP 

Police DUI Instructor Arrested Second Time for Drunken Driving, This Time Sans Pants
Topic: Embarrassment

A Florida police DUI instructor was arrested for the second time on drunken driving charges.  The kicker this time was that after nearly swerving into an oncoming police car at 90 MPH, she was stopped and found naked from the waist down with two dogs in the back of her car.  She also said that she had no idea of the whereabouts of her pants.

"I asked her, 'Where are your pants?' and I think she answered, 'I don't know,'" Deputy David Alvarado told Plantation investigators. "Kinda shocked me."

Officer Laurie Primeau was on suspension for her previous drunk driving conviction from back in January and had just gotten her driver's license back that day.  Also, Primeau, who had previously been teaching officers how to read a drunk driver successfully, told Internal Affairs that she did not know how to perform the finger to tip of the nose test.

But her embarrassment does not stop there.  Primeau was told at the beginning of her suspension that if she violated the law again, she would be fired.  She gets back to work on August 8, but it does not look good for her future with the department.  She allegedly told investigators that she was wearing a bathing suit bottom and that the Jack Daniels bottle found in her car had been washed out and was used in her classes.  The investigator gave the best retort to this claim ever, saying "you simply may have been too drunk to remember exactly what happened."

 

OFFICER.COM 

Bum Who Returned 21k in Savings Bonds Finally Gets Reward, But Not From Stingy Bond Owner
Topic: Embarrassment

The son of a bond owner who gave a homeless man $100 for returning $21,000 in savings bonds must now feel like a total heel, as outpouring from Detroit and the entire country has given the hobo over $4,000 in compensation for his good deed.

After finding the bonds in a trash can while searching for returnable glass bottles, the homeless samaritan took them to a local shelter and asked the workers there to help him find the proper owner, which they promptly did.  After news was released about the man's selfless actions, business leaders and compassionate Americans from across the country turned out support, including large bags of returnable bottles, jars of spare change, thousands of dollars in cash and even a job interview.

The 59-year-old former roofer, Charles Moore, is grateful for the assistance, and should now take a shit on the porch of the bastards who stiffed him for finding their money.  We mean like, a big, land mind-sized dropping that leaves a permanent mark on their doorstep.  If Mr. Moore needs help creating one, we can purchase him some Chinese food, because in our current monetary situation, that's really all we have to offer.

 

TBO.com 

P.S. - We totally would have kept the bonds.  We're not really very nice guys. 

New York Cat Loves to Thieve Garden Gloves
Topic: Embarrassment

As the owner of two cats, we are keenly aware of the amount of mischief they can get into.  Which is also why we have our dog act as security in our apartment, making sure that our crazy felines don't break more lamps.  But a New York neighborhood is in turmoil as Willy the cat strikes again and again, stealing from his neighbors whenever he gets the chance.

Does Willy steal socks?  Perhaps toys?  No.  Willy is really into gardening gloves.

"This all started about the time people began working in their gardens, I guess March or April," owner Jennifer Pifer said. "Willy would just show up with a glove, or we'd see them on the front steps. I guess it's better than if he was bringing home dead birds."

Now the Pifers keep their cat's prizes on a rope outside of their own garden, with a sign hanging over them which says simply enough "Our cat is a glove snatcher. Please take these if yours."

Will Willy be rehabilitated?  Quite the opposite, in fact.  The neighborhood are big fans of the crafty kitty, who also has a history of stalking (the mailman - ed.) and assault (he hides in trees and punches people in the head as they walk below).  If you live in the town of Pelham, keep your eyes out for Willy, both high, low and behind you.  He seems to be a born hairy criminal.

 

AP via YAHOO! NEWS 

Tom Petty and the Chili Peppers? Perhaps
Topic: Embarrassment

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have always been a pretty admired band by us. They've kept up their own style and changed it to stay fresh over the decades, which we can respect, even if they do make a lot of those annoying "We Love California" songs.

But their latest smash hit, Dani California, did already sound familiar to us. Now we know why. It appears that it has the same melody, singing structure, and chorus build as Tom Petty's song Mary Jane's Last Dance.

Dammit.

Sample lyrics sync up, and structure of the music is the same, but nothing has been done yet. Even though according to Page Six, Petty is looking at legal ramifications, especially since the Chili Pepper's song has gone to #1, something Tom's song did not. Watch out Peppers!


PAGE SIX

Fake Writer Watch! James Frey Admits Lying in Second Book Too
Topic: Embarrassment

After the media hullabaloo has finally blown over after it was reveal that the memoir of James Frey should have really been called A Million Little Lies, what else is there to do besides take your millions of dollars and hide out somewhere nobody will know you? Sit on a beach and get drunk? Bang a Thai hooker?

How about come out and admit your second "non-fiction" book, My Friend Leonard, should also be titled My Friend Lies? Sure, that'll work.

"To call this book pure nonfiction would be inaccurate," the author writes. "It is a combination of fact and fiction, real and imagined events."

Goddammit James Frey! What the hell is wrong with you? Jesus Christ! Truman Capote wrote things like this as well, but he acknowledged it. You just make shit up, like the entire opening of My Friend Lies involving Porterhouse and the 90 day jail sentence.

Man, shit. We actually read your books. Let's take a guess at what's true in these books; you are a real person. Is that the end of the truths?

We hate you James Frey. You're the biggest fraud in the literary world. That's right, we said it. Why don't you just kick us in the nuts while you're at it? As was said on the episode of South Park that wasn't nearly as hard on you as it should've been, "you're a towel."


MSN

Charlie Sheen is Nuts
Topic: Embarrassment

Charlie Sheen's divorce proceedings went public and just got a hell of a lot worse for the actor/coke whore, meaning it's probably not the best time to launch his brand of children's clothing, which is creepy enough as it is.

But now, Denise Richards' attorneys released a bunch of voice mails that Sheen left on her answering machine while she was still preggers with their second kid. And let us tell you, this dude is nuts. Careful... foul language follows:

"Okay, you're a fucking liar, so you what it's like... fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You're a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell."

It gets worse from there in that particular message, but we'll let you click over and read it. But this one cracks us up. This next message was left a mere three hours after the previous one above.

"Hey, I'm going home early. I just hate to leave early and then you come and then I hear from Laura in a letter that costs me, you know, five grand that, you know, I didn't let you know I was leaving early. So I'm gonna leave early. Okay? Dick face."

Dude, he just called Denise Richards dick face! This is gonna be the best divorce trial ever.


THE SMOKING GUN

Oops! Katrina Hero is a Drug Dealer
Topic: Embarrassment

21-year-old Jabar Gibson saw 60 of his fellow city mates stranded in the Louisiana Superdome and thought to himself, this will not do. After hot-wiring a yellow school bus, he loaded up the elderly and tired and drove them the entire way to the Houston Astrodome, right as the Superdome flooded, which would have sealed his passengers' fates.

The man is a definite hero and the epitome of someone who takes care of your fellow man. But that's because he's actually a drug dealer.

Mr. Gibson was arrested, for a second time, mind you, for possession of cocaine, heroin, and a .357 magnum. He was out of jail on bail when he rescued those 60 people from the Superdome, and it looks now like his movie and book deals will either peter out or take off due to the heartbreaking end of his story.

We're officially offering Mr. Gibson $2,000 for the rights to his story. Don't worry though, because we have no plans on turning around and selling them to Warner Brothers for hundreds of thousands. There's no way we're letting this story go for anything less than a billion.


MSNBC

Cat-fighting, Crying Possible Lesbian Former Cheerleaders Epic Comes to a Non-Erotic Conclusion
Topic: Embarrassment

The epic that was the Carolina Panther cheerleader bathroom sex scandal has whimpered its way to a close, loosening the pants of thousands of men across the nation, as uber-hot Renee Thomas and brown bagger Angela Keathley ended their hold on our johnsons in less than excitable fashion.

Keathley was not charged with any crime, yet Thomas was found guilty of assault and a litany of other petty crap and sentenced to a year of probation, 50 hours of community service and a $400 fine. Plus, neither will be allowed to cash in on this whole process, meaning that there won't be any Playboy spreads with the girls provocatively stroking each other's inner thighs while sitting on a pile of banana leaves in the Amazon. This can only mean one thing: the judge was a woman.


DEADSPIN

PREVIOUSLY: THE SHAGGING CHEERLEADERS 2

Bestiality Wave Sweeping America, Taking Out Middle Aged Men and Moving to Sheep!
Topic: Embarrassment

After reporting of the accidental "sex with a horse in Seattle" death of a man late last year, we would've thought that surely that was enough major bestiality stories for at least six months, right? We were entirely wrong, as this trove of horrendous drunken behavior movies further East and landing in Mesa, Arizona, where it has struck a local deputy fire chief.

The DFC, drunk, snuck into his neighbor's barn and was caught red, umm, handed, with his pants around his ankle and his willy inside a lamb. His timely response when caught by his mortified neighbors and sheriffs deputies?

“I probably do need some help, but I don’t know if this is the time or place for it.”

Dude, you're blasting a sheep (and a lamb no less, you fucking sicko - ed.) in the rear after being turned down by your neighbor's daughter while asking for permission. You ASKED PERMISSION TO HAVE SEX WITH A BABY SHEEP.

Christ all mighty. Sometimes we think France is right about us.


EAST VALLEY TRIBUNE

Fake Writer Watch Continues! Da Vinci Code Da Fake?
Topic: Embarrassment

Dan Brown is thought of as a literary genius, a god among writers and a man who seems to have taken some ideas from before. D'oh!

Two English authors are now claiming that Brown stole source material and ideas from their 1982 book The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail. While Random House says whatever, they are the publisher of both books, which makes this story of fake writer ship even more interesting.

We're not going to ruin Brown's book (or the upcoming movie - ed.) by giving away the plot, but we will say that the plot of Holy Blood involved Jesus marrying Mary Madeline and having a child from which the bloodline continues today. The Da Vinci Code pretty much says the same.

“In brief, the complaint appears to be that ’The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail’ discloses the idea that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, that they had children which survived and married into a line of French kings, that the lineage continues today, and that there is a secret society based in France which has the objective of restoring this lineage to the thrones not only of France but to the thrones of other European nations as well, and that (‘The Da Vinci Code’) uses some of this idea,” the plaintiffs' attorney said.

We guess that the authors are just looking for more money, but since their book has sold 36 million copies since its release, we don't see why. Unless they have a dime a week coke and hooker habit, but in that case, they could just make up some shit, call it a memoir, and go by the name James Frey. Sorry, we're still bitter about that.


MSNBC

James Frey Loses Book Deal; Will Only Be "Rich" and Not "Mega-Rich" for Rest of His Life
Topic: Embarrassment

After many weeks of fake memoirist James Frey popping in and out of this web site, we're happy to report that our favorite "memoirist" has lost his book deal, and the seven figures it would bring him. Now, he'll just have to live off of the remaining megabucks that his book sales are bringing him as they rise above 3 million.

Seriously folks, don't you get it? He made it up. It's not real. STOP BUYING IT. Even Warners looks like they're going to shelve the movie. If the book isn't real enough to get made into a shitty movie, then you should probably stay away from it. And if you are currently reading it, throw it away. Trust me, you'll get more satisfaction.


NY POST via GAWKER

Fake Writers Continue to Profit; Ask Your Mom, She Knows This One
Topic: Embarrassment

While thrillers/mysteries are one of the largest segment of the publishing industry, it must be difficult to continue to come up with fresh ideas every time you snort through your most recent advance.

And the truth is that it is. Ask Mary Higgins Clark, whom, in case you're wondering, has been keeping your mother entertained with her bedtime stories for years. It seems that Clark has been hard up for ideas and, whoops, might have stolen a bit of the plot from Israeli writer Dalia Gal's screenplay that circulated widely through Hollywood while Clark was writing her 2003 thriller "The Second Time Around."

The infringement suit that Gal filed against Clark noted that the plots both revolve around "a single female journalist's investigation of an elaborate conspiracy plot between two rival pharmaceutical companies to create a miracle drug, [and] a scientist working on the miracle drug [who] disappears," while the scientist's "wife is having a secret relationship with the head of the rival pharmaceutical corporation, and plays a role in the conspiracy against her husband."

Clark responded with this:

"Before this lawsuit was filed, I had never heard of Ms. Gal and certainly never saw her screenplay. Her allegations are blatant nonsense and patently untrue."

So if there are any mothers/librarians out there who have read Clark's novel, please let us know if this truly is the plot of the story because, quite frankly, it sounds kind of interesting.


NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Cheney Turning Into Aaron Burr; Shooting Victim Has Heart Attack
Topic: Embarrassment

A completely embarrassing week for Dick Cheney has just gotten worse, as complications have arisen in his shooting victim's recovery as 78-year-old Harry Wittington had a "silent heart attack" today due to some errant birdshot either touching his heart or lodged inside his heart.

But now we at least have an official statement about what the hell happened, and it's not nearly as menacing or promising for comedy as once thought. Wittington stepped in front of Cheney to retrieve a killed quail, seconds before another covey sprung out of the brush. Cheney raised his shotgun as Wittington stood up and unloaded into the attorney.

Oh well. We were hoping that we had many more jokes able to make it out how Cheney had shot one of Scooter Libby's defense attorneys, but it appears to be just another routine hunting mishap. What the hell do we care? Who are we trying to kid? Cheney's the reincarnation of Aaron Burr!

You remember Aaron Burr, right? Dude who shot Alexander Hamilton in a duel? Hamilton died of complications from being shot in the gut a short time later. Let's just hope that Wittington doesn't die. Because the jokes might be good, but not good enough for a man's life.

Wittington was responsive and wished to go home after the heart murmur, but doctor's convinced him to stay in the hospital another week after saying, "Dude, the Vice President shot you and you had a heart attack. Milk this."


MSNBC