Taze Me Bro! MSNBC Ruins Great Headline With Crap Story
Topic: Media

The mass media has a certain way of drawing our attention in.  While we stopped watching television news years ago (even before Kouric pooped herself onto CBS - ed), we still get all of our news daily from the Internet tubes.  It is, after all, the new mass media.  Instant news with the possibility of enticing opinion columns and splashy headlines.

Which is why we're going to currently bash MSNBC for ruining one of the greatest and most promising headlines with a total turd-pile of a story.

The headline?

Zzzzzap! Taser parties surging in popularity

The story?

"Stun gun social events raise self-defense awareness for women."

WHAT?  Just... WHAT?  We were hoping for a good ol' fashion teenagers huffing paint type story.  Something where kids gather to shock each other with stun guns instead of getting drunk on cheap hooch stolen from their parents' liqour cabinets.

But the rug was pulled out from underneath us instead, and we're left with an insipid page of drivel about how women have replaced Tupperware parties with gatherings to show off their leopard print tazers.

Balderdash!  We haven't been this disappointed in months.  It's akin to meeting some fantastic looking woman at a bar, who shockingly agrees to go home with you.  You begin slipping her form-fitting dress off slowly while delicately kissing her neck, to only have a semi-erect penis pop out from under the fabric to say hello as you approach the Promised Land.

Thanks for face-raping us, MSNBC.  We hate you.

 

MSNBC 

 

Oh Snap-o-gram! Imus Out at CBS Too. We Shed Aboslutely No Tears for That Fucknut, But Many for Death of Free Speech
Topic: Media

With today's news that CBS has shit-canned legendary asshead Don Imus for calling the Rutger's women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos," which will soon join our lexicon along with Mel Gibson's "Sugar-tits," it is a happy day for those of us (hey, like us! - ed.) who have never been fans of the radio jackass.  Then again, it's also a sad day because free speech is dying.  That and we have to talk about Al Sharpton again.

DAMN YOU IMUS!

Yes, Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are back in the news, organizing rallies or some shit so that they can get their publicity out of this, despire Sharpton saying that this has nothing to do with bigotry (yeah right, Al - ed.).

"It's not about taking Imus down," Sharpton said. "It's about lifting decency up." 

Right.  This is coming from Al Sharpton, who should've done prison time for his involvement in the rape and murder of a girl in the 1960s.  Lifting decency up.  Sure...

But regardless, we hate to think of all the rap songs that blare out of our uber-white Volvo 850, with the songs' antiheros proudly yelling the word "hos" over and over.  Whereas one inconsequential radio personality says it and gets himself into a fucking frying pan.

We're not decrying this obvious racial impropriety.  We're merely commenting on how free speech and the first amendment have been flushed down the shitter.  Should he have said it?  No.  Should he be protected in saying it as his opinion by the Bill of Rights?  Absolutely.

That said, good riddance Don Imus.  We were surprised that your radio studio on your "ranch" was big enough to hold your inflated ego and you idiocy.

 

CBS NEWS 

Sploid Has Shut Down for Good
Topic: Media

Three months ago, the powers that be that were in charge of the daily operation of the Heart of Darko took a good long look at our flagging readership and noticed that when we posted stuff that you couldn't find on regular sites, we were a hit.  Other than that, we sucked, because no one wants to read our stupid little jokes about Lebanon (no seriously.  that commentor on Saturday called us a "dick bag" - ed.).

So we decided that unless it was a current event in which our HQ was burning, we'd stick to the news that you'd never hear about in the mainstream press.  Partly because they don't have the time, and partly because they can't run a story about the World Series of Strip Poker on CNN.

What does this have to do with anything?  When we created this idea in 2004, we were sure that we were going to be a hit.  So was Nick Denton, who launched Sploid shortly after.  And today, Sploid dies.  While you will still be able to view the archives and read past stories, there will be no new support or posting.

While we haven't always agreed with the political and hypocritical message that has come from the site, we have used it to help read the news that falls between the cracks.  Their humorous prose either made us wince, scratch our noggin or giggle while peeing.

So thank you Sploid, for being around and proving that a blog without posts will never work.  An experiment in futility?  Perhaps.  Good daily reading?  You bet.

 

SPLOID: GOODBYE FOREVER 

Heated Political Debate Choreographed by Bobby Knight
Topic: Media

Politics are only second to religion for starting heated, vile discussions between two people.  And thanks to CBS News Video, we have footage of one such debate in Florida between a left-leaning candidate for local office (who happens to own a string of topless clubs - ed.) and his polar opposite, a Republican radio host.

The aftermath of the argument involves a storm off and a flying chair, for which we must say thank you to CBS News for repeatedly showing the chair hitting the candidate smack in the face.  You guys friggin' rock.

 

CBSNEWS.COM via GAWKER 

25-Year-Old Buys New York Observer; Hey Man! Look Over Here! Look at Us! We're Fun and Inciteful!
Topic: Media

Jared Kushner, the 25-year-old son of a recently jailed New Jersey developer, has just announced his $10 million takeover of the New York Observer.  Even though this gives him majority control, Kushner did not mention exactly how much of the influential rag he purchased.

Kushner said the company expects to continue to lose about $2 million this year, even though he has a plan to turn that around.  What's the strategy?  We have no idea, unless Kushner would like to hire someone just a hair older than him who has the ability to write, drink and toss in tons of expletives and vagina jokes into a single paragraph.

Remember Jared, we can throw a kegger with the best of them.  What do you say, huh?  Come on...

 

NY TIMES 

P.S. - We know the title can be taken two ways.  In fact, we confirmed earlier with an avid reader that we did mean to use "inciteful" as the definition of "one who likes to incite trouble."  But the play on words also allows us to say that we can mean it in the giving a certain insiders opinion that we sometimes have.  Just to clear that up.

P.P.S. - That's not clear?  Shut up.  What do you know? 

Viacom to Purchase The Onion?
Topic: Media

Will corporate gorilla Viacom, owner of a worldwide news, broadcast and film conglomerate looking to break into the humor genre by purchasing The Onion?  Not according to the humor rag, who claim that the sponsor of an African boy has withheld his $18 payment to teach the malnourished tyke a lesson in responsibility.  Read below to find out the story.

 

http://www.gawker.com/news/internet/the-entire-internet-is-for-sale-187751.php

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/50610

P.S. - Sorry for the formatting issues guys, but the new editing softward that Tripod is trying out is totally borked and pretty much sucks, since only about half the buttons work.  We'll try to get it resolved, but they don't much care about us, as long as they get their money.

Gawker Media Kills Two Outlets!
Topic: Media

We apologize for our tardiness today in getting to all the insipid, vapid regurgitation that we think of as news, but the story behind this involves a helicopter, police, pork chops and a woman. Yeah, don't ask.

But on to something we just found out about last night: the Gawker media staff has been reshuffled, and some, like Gawker.com's Jesse Oxfeld, have been let go! Also, Sploid, one of our links to the left, has been cut free to drift into the Internet bath house. Screenhead also joins it in the abyss. Nick Denton, the Gawker honcho/founder/creepy guy, said this is for traffic reasons and that the sites never took off.

Of course, for Sploid it could be because it has a staff of many and is updated on a maybe three times a day basis. We have a staff of one and update our site just as much, if not more. Still, we liked its brand of news (despite the everything not leftist hatred - ed.) and will miss it. It's still up and running, but soon it will go bye-bye, unable to keep itself afloat.

RIP.

Dan Rather not a Katie Couric Fan; We Knew he was Smart
Topic: Media

Here's a nice little short story from recently unemployed anchor Dan Rather, who was ousted after his unverified Bush National Guard Memo story and has since been replaced with Katie Couric, the Queen of Perk. In a recent interview with the Washington Post, Rather was asked numerous questions about Memogate, CBS News and finally, Ms. Couric. Here's the transcript:

I asked him if Katie Couric could do as good a job.

He said, "CBS thinks she will."

"The question was: Do you think she could?"

Dan said, "In time, I think she will. It took her 15 years to make the 'Today' show a hit. I'm sure it will take her longer than that to beat Charlie Gibson and Brian Williams."

Rather then decided to toot his own horn and call himself "one of the great ones." That's the Texas pride we were looking for.


WASHINGTON POST

Who Isn't Pissed at The New York Times?
Topic: Media

Last week, The New York Times decided it would print a story regarding the United States using a Belgium-based organization to look for possible terrorist messages in international funds transfers. The organization, SWIFT, Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunication, has worked with the Bush administration to locate possible terrorist activity and halt it. However, the NYT figured this was a bunch of crap and violation of privacy and decided to run the article, which crippled, and possibly killed the program.

Now people in the government and media are PISSED. Since the organization does not look at private accounts, ATM transactions or personal banking transactions and only at international funds transfers, its advocates are claiming that the NYT's choice to run the story because it was "of interest" did significant harm in stopping possible terrorist funding.

Now politicians like NY Rep. Peter King have come out against the Times, as well as have numerous other publications, lawmakers and people across the country.

"We're at war, and for the Times to release information about secret operations and methods is treasonous," King told The Associated Press.

And the Editors of the National Review aren't too happy either, and have decided it's time to pull the NYT's press credentials. Bush spokesman Tony Snow had this to say:

"The NEW YORK TIMES and other news organizations ought to think long and hard about whether a public's right to know in some cases might override somebody's right to live."

So now there's a press war going on. After the Rove leaks and everything else that's happened at The New York Times, their credibility with anyone that isn't a far left winger is getting a little shaky. While we don't particularly care of the Times (too many words, not enough pictures of puppies - ed.), we think it would be wrong to pull their charter. However, they should think about other things besides creating outrage. After all, we're all people in this country, right?


BREITBART

THE NATIONAL REVIEW

Rather Out at CBS!
Topic: Media

CBS News President Sean McManus announced today that after 44 years broadcasting for his network, Dan Rather is indeed leaving, meaning that we get another "Remembering Rather" special that will make light of all the great things the Whistler did during his career.

"There will always be a part of Dan Rather at CBS News," said McManus. "He is truly a `reporter's reporter,' and he has helped to train several generations of broadcast journalists. His legacy cannot be replicated."

Since being removed from his anchor's position last year after the disastrous Bush National Guard Memo report, during which Rather admitted he had never even seen the document in question, the Dan has only filed a handful of reports for CBS Evening News and 60 Minutes, and has been complaining about it the whole way.

Current speculation brings Rather to the HD Network, where he will undoubtedly report fluffy newsstuff about people that most Americans have never heard of. Not exactly the legacy one would expect from the man who taught our country phrases such as "hotter than two rats going at it in a wool sock."


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Katie Couric Leaves Today umm... Tomorrow
Topic: Media

Tomorrow morning sees the departure of Katie Couric from the Today show on NBC to take over the anchoring duties over at CBS Evening News. It's the end of a leggy era, with Couric opening the way for The View's Meredith Viera, who is getting the hell out of that dumping ground of ovarian idiocy.

Couric today said that she didn't expect to get massive ratings jumps or have an instant format change for CBS, so it's going to be an interesting experiment over at the eyeball network. Not like we'll be watching or anything. Or will watch tomorrow morning. We can't stand Katie anyway.

The Problem With the Newsmakers
Topic: Media

We haven't hit up the old media topic in a while, so we figured it was time to drop in and bitch. Today is all about what exactly is wrong with people who report the news. In this case, Internet news sites.

We don't mean Drudge Report or My Way News or anything like that. We're talking Yahoo! News, where we get most of our information. We considered it unbiased reporting that had a very left-minded opinion section. Before people begin to complain about us bitching about the MSM, we were journalism majors. We know there's a left-leaning bias in the news, but as long as they take their views and just report what's going on, we don't care how salacious it is.

Please look at the image at the bottom of this post for a second. Specifically, what we have circled in red. Then come back up here. We'll give you a second.

Notice anything? The goddamn negativity. Yes, we're angry a lot and negative, but this is a blog used for the reporting or ridiculous news. It's also full of opinions. We can get mad if we like. Yahoo! News is supposed to report what's happening. The first headline in the Business section is excellent; Dow Passes 11,500, Hits Fresh 6-Year High.

Perfect headline. Says "hey, we're doing all right." Then look at what follows; Payrolls Grow Smallest Amount Since October. Well thanks, dicks. It's not "Payrolls Continue Growth" and then mention how they're not growing quite as quickly as before in the article. Oh no. It's "Payrolls Grow Smallest Amount Since October." The point?

THEY'RE STILL GROWING. What's the point of being negative man? They're still growing? It's not like the Dow Jones is up and everything else is tanking. Jesus media people, crack a smile. Someone in NYC buy these guys a hooker. They need some relaxation therapy.

Katie Couric Officially Announces Her Legs Are Leaving NBC
Topic: Media

Not that this is of any consequence or news value since we saw Ms. Couric making the announcement three hours ago, but Katie Couric has informed the entire country, nay, the world, that she is leaving Today and NBC in May and will be anchoring the CBS Evening News as well as appearing on 60 Minutes. And now for our thoughts.

Great. Truly, utterly, completely and sarcastically fantastic. Nice to know that experience as a journalist gets you fired/demoted, while being able to be perky and tan and talk to people about dog shirts at 5 AM gets you a $61 million contract to read news.

It the hiring groundbreaking? Of course it is. Couric will be the first female anchor. Will we watch her? Of course not. Her legs will be hidden beneath a desk. Bad move on CBS's part, if you ask us.


MSNBC

Katie Couric's Legs to Anchor CBS News?
Topic: Media
Is Katie Couric bringing her ever present legs to the CBS Evening News? Yes, says TV Week, and for a substantial sum. Her new $61 million contract (or something like that, we don't know or care because we're jealous - ed.) would end her 15 year run with the number one morning talk show in the country, meaning that she would be turning her back on her loyal network and moving to The Dan Rather Chair. You can find more at the link below. Excuse us, but we have to find every television possible and delete CBS from the directory, since we'll never be watching that channel again.

DRUDGE REPORT

NBC White House Correspondent and Today Show Seat Filler Calls Imus Radio Show While Drunk
Topic: Media

Oh David Gregory, you madman of NBC. Besides being a massive chop dick who is so obviously in love with Katie Couric that you should just lick her the next time you fill on for Matt Lauer on Today, you're also notable for being the White House correspondent for NBC who called Scotty McClellan a jerk after you attacked him on not knowing the answer to one of your questions.

So what have you done now to make it to the pages of Heart of Darko? You called Don Imus's radio show... while you were drunk. Dude, the show's on at 5:00 in the morning. We hope that you were in the back of a limo with some strippers on your way home from the China Club, because if you were just drunk in the morning for no reason, you've got a problem bub.

GREGORY: i was -- remember that movie "Arthur" with Dudley Moore where he just thinks funny things and that's what was going on. If i could find this sheet, actually i just found it. Anyway.

IMUS: You have any news? [Laughter]

IMUS: we got to go, we'll get back to you.

GREGORY: I'm sorry.

IMUS: That's all right.

IMUS: Well, call us back will you?

GREGORY: Anyway. There are serious things going on here which i know you're very interested in.

IMUS: We don't have any time for them now. Quickly.

GREGORY: Big deal between India and the United States. The upshot is we're going to provide nuclear know-how and fuel to India which they need for their economy to grow. But since they never signed the nonproliferation treaty it's a real turn around and critics worry that it sends the wrong message to other parts of the world.

IMUS: Ok.

GREGORY: I would add, i would add that this is how you say thank you.

IMUS: What is it again?

[Speaking foreign language]

IMUS: Well that's great. But we have to go. It's always nice to hear from you.

GREGORY: I'll call you after dinner.

IMUS: NBC Chief White House correspondent from New Delhi, India. Clearly drunk.


DRUDGE REPORT

U.S. Media Gets Massive Erection Waiting for Iraq Civil War; A Heart of Darko Opinion Column
Topic: Media

The first rule of journalism that we were taught in our very first writing class was "If it bleeds, it leads." This mindset has fallen by the wayside in the 24-hour news cycle, with this level of awfulness and violence unable to continue to be sustain an entire day of news.

Now the day has come where the media is licking its lips, waiting to be able to take their journalistic erections and swing them at President, whom they all believe to be the most evil man in the country, because that's what their journalism professors told them to think. Trust us - we know first hand.

Before you say "this is a bunch of crap, shut up right-winger," know that we think Bush screwed up in Iraq big time and has done so pretty much since being elected to his second term. All in all, he has made things worse. But the man is looking for help and support, and constantly attacking him over petty, obviously racist crap like the ports deal is nothing but taking a hypocritical advantage of a situation. Yes, we're looking at you, Democrats.

If a civil war erupts in Iraq, who will be pleased? Bush? Of course not. We can tell you who, and in what order:

1.) Bin Laden
2.) Al Qaeda
3.) Insurgents
4.) Media

This is a holy war for the media, where they can scrutinize our government until the blood vessels in their eyes burst. Because what will happen? American soldiers will die. And the 24-hour-news cycle will have its blood.

It reminds us of 2004 during the Presidential election, when John Kerry said that Bush would instantly start a draft as soon as he was elected. The leftist hawks screamed this for months, and no one on the right gave a damn. Bush won, no draft.

The far left (we mean Al Franken, Sen. Kerry, Sen. Kennedy far left - ed.) is once again screaming Iraqi civil war, doing nothing but helping the attacks become even more violent. After all, anyone with a phone line can get the online copy of the New York Times. And the American media is listening... because their professors told them who to listen to.

Trust us - we know first hand.


MSNBC

Bob "Douchebag of Liberty" Novak Leaving CNN for FOX NEWS; No One is Shocked
Topic: Media

Robert Novak, that glorious vaginal hair who outed Valerie Plame before shrugging his shoulders as if saying "feh," who most recently walked off of a CNN set and was thusly suspended, has just announced that after his contract is up with the 24 hours news station, he will in fact take his circus act of douchery to FOX NEWS.

Did this honestly surprise anyone? We like FOX NEWS better than CNN. It doesn't insult us as much. But CNN is about as liberal a news organization as they come, and FOX just suits Novak's form of slobbering idiocy better.

So good luck Robert! Maybe you can out someone important over there too. *cough, Tom Cruise, cough*


TVNEWSER via MEDIA BISTRO

Judy Miller Quits NY Times! Oh Noes! Who Will We Make Fun of in the Media? Oh Yeah, Everyone Else
Topic: Media

Judy Miller, the reporter jailed for 85 days for not releasing her sources during the early days of Plamegate, has retired after 28 years at the paper. Perhaps the reasons regarding her leaving were that she was going to be fired, especially after some nasty emails began to circulate from her bosses on down.

Maybe it was because she got a massive book deal and six figure speaking engagements. Or just maybe she wanted some time away to find a man to grow old with.

Yeah, we're guessing the second one too.


MSNBC

Aaron Brown Out at CNN! No Good Reason Why!
Topic: Media

Veteran journalist and anchor Aaron Brown has been given the heave-ho from CNN, radically changing, yet again, the way the organization is structured. What follows is the bullshit letter from Joe Klein to CNN staffers as to why Brown has "left."

To: All CNN Staff

From: Jon Klein

We have made some programming decisions which will impact our prime time schedule as well as our colleague Aaron Brown. Aaron will be leaving CNN and is very much looking forward to some well-deserved time off with his family.

Aaron has made enormous contributions to CNN since his groundbreaking anchoring of Sept. 11th through the war in Iraq to the Tsunami to the recent hurricanes. Outside of the big stories, on a nightly basis, Aaron has provided our audiences with insight into the events of the United States and the world with eloquence and the highest journalist integrity.

Besides his stellar work as an anchor, Aaron stands as an absolutely brilliant writer, evident by the thoughtful perspective he injects into every story he touches.

Personally, I will miss Aaron and his wicked sense of humor. We cannot thank Aaron enough for the skills and professionalism he brought to CNN. Given his respect throughout the industry, there is no question that he will be missed.

No word on whether or not MSNBC has offered him a "large boat" full of money to help give them another reason to drop Chris Matthews and his annoying "speak-yell" way of talking from their lineup.


DRUDGE REPORT

P.S. - And we apologize for all the air quotes used in this piece, but we had a lot of "sarcasm" to get out.

New York Times Profits Drop 52%! We Laugh.
Topic: Media

The New York Times announced today that their profits dropped a whopping 52% from the third quarter of last year, leading us to point and laugh. That's all we're going to say on this issue. The story's posted below if you want to read their flimsy-ass excuse. But if you're like us, you'll just want to point your finger and say, "Eat that, New York Times. Eat that. Does that taste good over your girly mouth? We bet it does."


MARKET WATCH